Just Shoot Me: The Return of HUGS
by Tamlin
Summary: Companion Piece for Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit What do you get when you mix a group of hikaris, one insane, bored spirit and April Fools Day? One very unhappy Yami. Hikaris United Group Support returns and their setting their sights on the pharoah. Run Yami!
1. Mad Hatter's Tea

Disclaimer: Yugi-oh is the property of Kazuki Takahashi, who is a genius.

Here it finally is! The one shot that has somehow morphed into a mini series. This is a partner piece to _Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit_. It does fit into the _Chrysalis_ timeline if you wish it too. It would land just after the end of _Emergence_, just before _Psyche_ starts. It will also stand neatly alone by itself.

* * *

**Just Shoot Me**

**Chapter 1: Mad Hatter's Tea**

Yami waved idly as Yugi raced down the steps. The evening stock market exchange from the Asian desk flickered across the screen, keeping Yami's attention mostly riveted to the screen. "Take care aibou, the weatherman is predicting high winds and unseasonably cold temperatures."

"Not a problem." Yugi dove into the coat closet and emerged a second later with his winter coat. "I'll see you later. Do you want me to bring you something?"

Yami, eyes fixed on the TV, shook his head. "No. I'm fine."

Yugi smiled fondly at the back of his yami's head, dropped the Millennium Puzzle on the end table and walked out the door. He padded quickly down the steps into the shop and waved goodbye to his grandpa.

"Don't stay out too late, now Yugi. You still have that report due tomorrow." Solomon looked up from a catalog, smiling.

"I've nearly got it completed Grandpa. All I need to do is check the spelling and I'll be done." Yugi wrestled the door open, letting a large gust of wind into the store.

"All right." Solomon ducked as tiny objects from various racks suddenly hurtled toward him. "Call me if you want a ride back."

Smiling apologetically, Yugi stepped outside and quickly shut the door. With a quick, friendly nod at a couple of passing, windblown business men, who were scurrying after some runaway paperwork, he hurried down the street, clutching his jacket around him.

The Mad Hatter's Tea House was only a couple of blocks away and Yugi found himself blown there in record time. He laughed, running with the wind against his back, raising his arms and pretending he was flying down the street. As he neared the little shop, he attempted a left bank into the door, only to find himself pushed past. The wind tumbling him onwards like a tiny leaf. "Eek."

Reaching out he caught the edge of the trim around the shop window and held on, looking desperately at the happy, un-windblown people inside. _High winds? They call this high winds? What does a tornado rate? Mildly breezy?_

He was hauling himself painfully forward, trying to reach the other side of the window, and hopefully the door, when a hand grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. He felt himself lifted off his feet to dangle like a kitten in someone's grip. His eyes rolled around and felt his heart drop. "H-hi Bakura."

"Runt." Bakura growled dropping Yugi on the front mat of the teahouse. In the wind, his normally wild hair whipped and snarled around his face, but couldn't disguise the excited glitter in his eyes. "Where's the pharaoh? Get blown out to sea?"

"Yami, remember, you've got twenty three more good things to do." Ryou was wrapped around his yami's waist, holding on as the wind tried to rip him off and toss him down the street. He smiled weakly at Yugi. "He forgot again."

"One fuckin' month." Bakura pulled open the door and tossed Yugi through, then carefully disengaged his clinging hikari and nudged him into safety. "Get drunk one fuckin' night and sleep late. Now, I'm Mary Poppins for a month. It's all the asshole pharaoh's fault. " His voice dropped to a sulky grumble. "Drinking contest. How the fuck did he manage that? Gotta have used magic. There is no fucking way that shrimp could hold that much booze."

Ryou turned and kissed his scowling dark's cheek, pressing the Millennium Ring into his hand. "Thank you Yami. I'll see you at home in a couple of hours."

Yugi gasping for breath, pulled his collar back to something approaching normal. "Thanks, Bakura. I'll call grandpa and we'll drop Ryou off, so you won't have to worry about him."

Bakura snorted and stomped away, still grumbling about shrimpy pharaohs and abnormal liquor capacity. The door slammed behind him causing the cheerful decorations on the door to bounce wildly.

Ryou shrugged watching his other saunter away with a wild, nearly feral grin, "He's actually having a great time. He loves the wind. He'll probably pick a few pockets then hand the wallets back to work off his bad luck."

"He forgot to say rabbit, rabbit, rabbit again?" Yugi looked around the little shop, waiting for the waitress to come seat them.

Ryou nodded. "Went out drinking with your yami and Marik. He didn't even wake up till sunset the next day."

It was a obsessively cheerful little place, with bright yellow walls, bordered with tiny figures from Alice in Wonderland. The chairs were all in different strange shapes, clustered around small tables with bright, colorful tablecloths. Large statues of some of the main Wonderland characters loomed with foreboding cheerfulness in the corners under tall artificial trees. Sitting at a small table with neon purple chairs next to the Mad Hatter was Malik, who's yami stood behind his chair, inspecting the insanely grinning statue.

"Oh, that can't be good." Ryou murmured eyeing the tall yami.

Yugi nodded hesitantly, then started winding his way through the various tables to where their friend was sitting. As they approached, Marik turned, imitating the Mad Hatters ferocious smile, causing the two approaching hikaris to cluster together apprehensively.

"Hi Yugi. We saw you blow past." Malik waved. "I was going to sent Marik out to help but Bakura got you first."

"If Yami ever hears about this, I'll never be allowed out again." Yugi winced, but returned Malik's wave. "No problem. I'm going to have Grandpa pick me and Ryou up, do you want a ride home too?"

Marik shook his head as he turned and walked out of the shop. "I'll be picking him up in a couple hours." He gave his light a disgusted look. "Idiot light, damn near got himself blown into traffic getting the mail." He ambled away grinning at the customers making them shrink back into their weird uncomfortable chairs as he passed. "Got to go and kill the weatherman."

Yugi, keeping an eye on the unstable yami, sank into his chair. Ryou settled next to him, perching on a purple chair that resembled a mushroom.

"He's going to have to hurry. As soon as Bakura is finished with his good deeds, he's going to head over to channel five news to 'speak' to the weatherman." Ryou scooped up his menu, that looked like a playing card and started to check over the selections.

"I don't need Isis's necklace to see a sudden shortage of weathermen in Domino City in the near future." Malik shrugged.

"Works for me." Yugi checked over the menu and made his decision. "The guy on channel 9 is scary. He smiles way too much and shows too many teeth. Yami swears he's got to be an escapee from the Shadow Realm. No normal human has that many shiny, white teeth."

Ryou set his menu down. "Shall we get started?"

Malik nodded, "Might as well." He reached into a pocket, pulled out a couple of crumpled papers and smoothed them out on the table. "I now call H.U.G.S., Hikaris United Group Support to order. Today's topic is … uh…" He peered closely at the paper then nodded to himself. "Don't Summon That Here: Yamis and Their Odd Pets. But first, anyone got any problems?"

"No, not me." Ryou shook his head. "Bakura's working off his bad luck."

"Yami's glued to the TV. He invested some of our allowance into a some kind of stock out of Hong Kong." Yugi sighed. "He's now watching every financial program on TV to make sure it's going to be all right. I'd have to strip naked, wear a ticker tape and dance on the TV to get his attention."

"Disturbing image there Yug." Malik looked up as the waitress approached.

The quickly ordered their tea and scones, watching as a group of elegantly dressed ladies got blown down the street in a swirl of red hats, boas and purple dresses. One lady that was wearing a diamond tiara body slammed into a police man, sending them both tumbling to the ground in a colorful tangle. The rest of the flock of purple and red continued to blow unhindered down the street.

"How's your yami, Malik?" Yugi pulled his attention away from the flying pedestrians.

"He's bored." Malik snickered as the policeman detangled himself and stood up, not noticing that his carefully pressed and starched uniform now had a large purple boa. "He's hasn't come up with any plots to take over the world for weeks. All he does is follow me around and occasionally send someone to the shadow realm. He doesn't even seem to enjoy doing that any more."

"Maybe a hobby?" Ryou tipped his head trying to see around the corner as something that looked like a lady's purple skirt whisked by the window, closely followed by a pair of pantyhose.

"Like what?" Yugi looked over at Malik, considering the other hikari and his yami. "I just don't see Marik into stamp collecting or anything like that."

"Don't even want to try." Malik sat back as the waitress brought them their pots of jam tea. "He needs something to keep him busy, not bored."

"Bug collecting? Hours of fun pinning small insects to a piece of board?" Yugi smiled as a plate of scones and sweet cream was deposited in front of him.

"He might get ideas." Malik shook his head. "I just don't want to deal with coming home to find Weevil Underwood pinned to my wall."

"Eee yeah," Ryou winced, "Maybe he could take up stocks with Yami Yugi?"

"I don't want to deal with that." Yugi rolled his eyes. "I can't get my yami's attention now, why have two sitting around ignoring me."

"How about we sick them on each other?" Malik grinned wider than the Cheshire Cat looming eerily over the back counter.

"What do you mean?" Ryou smiled at the waitress and nodded happily as a plate of small tea sandwiches was deposited in front of him.

"Well, Yami Yugi is ignoring Yugi. Malik is driving me nuts." Malik nodded a quick thanks to the waitress as she set a plate of tiny deserts down in front of him. "Let's get Malik to pull Yami Yugi away from the TV and pay attention."

Ryou nibbled on a cucumber sandwich musing, "Might work. April Fools Day is coming up. Get Malik to play a April Fools joke on Yami Yugi."

Yugi grinned, "Yami does love holidays. Let's introduce him to a new one. Anyone got any ideas?"

Malik bit his lip and thought as he pushed a cream puff around his plate. "We could all disappear…"

"Causing our yamis to go into a homicidal orbit." Ryou shook his head.

"How about we all pretend we never heard of Duel Monsters, yamis or the Shadow Realm?" Yugi mumbled around a mouthful of scone, sweet cream and raspberry jam.

"Making our yamis summon shadow beasts to prove their point, causing unknown amounts of chaos and havoc." Malik frowned, then suddenly his eyes widened. He flipped the papers he had written his meeting notes on and stated laughing. "Oh, I got a good one. It should keep everyone busy."

"What?" Yugi snatched the papers and looked them over. It looked like a story printed on the back. "What is this?"

"Fan fiction." Malik started snickering. "A pretty bad one too. What if we get Malik to make Yami Yugi believe some of the cheesy things in fanfics are happening to him?"

"Like Mary Sues?" Ryou sipped his tea, a slight smile tugging on his lips.

"Every one and their cousin suddenly appearing with rare, one of a kind items?" Yugi stated laughing, his hand touching where the Millennium Puzzle usually rested against his chest.

"I'd say suicide attempts that never work, but the casualty rate of innocent bystanders would be pretty high." Malik popped a tiny brownie in his mouth. "How about everyone becoming super sluts?"

"Let's not leave the girls out." Ryou rubbed his lip thoughtfully. "I think I overheard Anzu talking about a story that all the girls turned into mindless bimbos. She might help us out."

Malik gobbled his cheese cake and raised his tea cup, "With my yami's magic and a bit of cooperation, I'd say Yami Yugi's TV watching days are coming to an end."

Yugi raised his tea cup to tap gently against the other. "Here's to a truly evil plan."

"Who ever said hikaris were good?" Ryou clicked his cup against the others.

"Happy April Fools!" The chorused, then broke out into maniacal laughter.

* * *

I want to say thank you to all my reviewers! I really appreciate you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I am still taking ideas for bad things to happen to Yami. They have to be really bad clichés that you stumble into while reading Yu-Gi-Oh fics. I'm going to be poking fun at myself, so I invite you to join the fun. What nasty cliché did you use, were tempted to use, or just wanted to smash your head against the computer when you read it? I won't guarantee I will use it, but I will consider all suggestions.

I also found out that if you are having problems reviewing, there is a really easy way to fix it. Go to the leave review page. If nothing shows or shows the same old unhelpful page, hold down the control key while hitting the reload option in the tool bar. It should work. I tried it after nearly pulling my hair out trying to leave a review and now I have no problems with reviews.


	2. Best Laid Plans

Disclaimer: Yugi-oh is the property of Kazuki Takahashi, who is a genius.

* * *

Just Shoot Me

Chapter 2: The Best Laid Plans

"You mean to tell me that there is an entire holiday just for making asses out of other people?" Marik stretched back in his chair, crossing his arms behind his head. A wide, loopy grin spread across his face as he gazed toward the ceiling of their apartment.

"Aaaahhhh." Malik stood leaning behind the couch, a look of dawning horror spreading across his face as the H.U.G.S.' plan's fatal flaw suddenly occurred to him. He had basically just given his yami, not just permission to torment people, but a entire day dedicated to tormenting, tricking, annoying, and basically fucking with the entire populace of Domino City. "Well…."

"I like this." Marik hummed happily to himself.

"Uuuuh, yeah." Malik took a deep breath. "We came up with a great joke to play on Yami Yugi and we thought you might like to help out."

"You're going after the pharaoh?" Marik nodded, still contemplating the ceiling. "What are you going planning?"

"Fan Fiction." Malik edged around the couch and perched on the arm. "We thought it would be funny to make Yami Yugi think some of the really stupid things that happen in fan fics were happening to him."

Marik rolled his head slightly to one side and eyed his light doubtfully. "Funny?"

A light in the gloom suddenly appeared. "YES! Funny. It has to be funny! April Fools Day is all about FUNNY things. You don't just rove around aimlessly tormenting, it has to be funny!"

"I find torment funny." Marik waved his hand, brushing aside any protests before they could jump out of his light's mouth. He grinned back up at the ceiling, savoring the look of pure horror and frustration on his Malik's face. He hated to break it to his light, but they were, once, one person, so what his light knew, he knew. He hadn't forgotten just because they were suddenly two different people. And, as far as he was concerned, it was always April Fools Day and his beloved hikari was the fool of choice. "Now back to the pharaoh. Just what did you and the other oh-so-innocent lights plot now?"

Malik swallowed heavily, took a deep breath and closed his eyes, wincing, but hoping for the best. "Make Yami Yugi believe some of the idiot things that happen in fan fics are happening to him."

"For example…" Marik prodded, eyebrows drawing together and a slight frown on his face as he reviewed some of the more nasty clichés: suicide, hit-and-run accidents, fatal illnesses, homicidal stalkers, rapists, blade wielding goth-punk girls with skimpy clothes. _Well, okay the skimpy clothes bit is good, I can deal with skimpy clothes. Maybe I can get Malik to dress as the goth girl…_

"We came up with a few ideas. We like the idea of Mary Sues." Malik cracked an eye open and contemplated his darkness who was now scowling at the ceiling. "Yugi is going to ask Anzu and Mai to do the super slut routine."

Marik tossed the idea around and grinned, "Sounds good." He yawned and got up. "Anything else?"

"Uhhh, well we did come up with one idea…"

"Which was?" Marik stretched, bending backwards, listening to his spine crack pleasantly. He looked back at his light, an idea popping into his head on how he could exercise his lower back.

"Yugi, Ryou and I get a job at a stripper club and arrange for Yami to be a bar tender."

Marik paused to appreciate the mental picture of his hikari dancing on a table seductively taking his clothes off. Then he pictured Yami Yugi's reaction to seeing his own little light stripping. Well, he'd wanted to see Domino City destroyed for a long time, this could work for him, and it had the bonus of a naked dancing hikari, booze and the exquisite pleasure of having the pharaoh wait on him. "Sounds good. But let's get a bit more creative, shall we?"

00000000000

"Hey, is this supposed to be crunchy?" Honda mumbled around a mouthful of food, poking Yugi.

Yugi had to take a moment to swallow before he answered. "Yours is crunchy? Mine's chewy. What is this anyway?"

"Don' know. Can't read the board." Honda took another mouthful. "I'm bettin' something four legged and eats grass."

Yugi dug in his pocket. "I'm betting pig." He put a dollar in the middle of the table.

Honda tossed another dollar on top of it. "I'll go with cow."

Yugi nudged Yami, who was doing his best not to actually look at what his hikari and friends were eating. "What do you think? Want to bet?"

Yami sat looking intently down at his own lunch of fresh fruit, thick slices of rich artisan bread and a refreshing bottle of over priced water, pretending he was far, far away from the smell wafting in his direction from the cafeteria kitchen that did not smell like a roasted camel. No it did not, it was just his imagination. There was no smell of burnt camel flesh near him. His friends were not sitting next to him and they were not eating food that had that same smell rising from it. No, he was not. He hadn't quite figured out where he was, but he was definitely not here.

A forkful of the substance, that could not possibly be camel meat, suddenly appeared in front of his nose. His beloved light is on the other end of that fork with a innocent expression on his face. Yami started edging away at that look. One of the first things he had learned when he had woken from his long sleep was you should never trust your hikari when they wear that look. It just meant trouble. Just ask any yami, they could all tell you horror stories of what sweet, faced, cherubic lights could do to you.

"Yami, take a bite and see if you know what it is." The fork waved in front of Yami's horrified eyes, it's cargo clinging oozily to it.

"No aibou, I'm…giving up meat for lent." He backed away hurriedly, nearly falling of the bench.

Yugi laughed, "Very funny, but you aren't Catholic." The fork with it's cargo came closer. "Just one bite."

"Aibou, really I…"

The fork was suddenly shoved into his and the taste of tough, overcooked, gewy cam… _Oh Ra, I am not, NOT eating a… This is Japan for Ra's sake! Where would they even find a…_To Yami's complete horror, his faulty memory suddenly decided to work overtime. A memory of sitting next to his father around a campfire chewing rough, burnt, greasy, revolting meat off a bone stampeded across his stunned mind.

He remembered that they had been on a hunting trip and had stopped in a tiny village to get fresh water. The head man of the town gave a special meal in welcome. He could remember his father shifting uneasily next to him, glancing at the village well longingly, then back to the jovial, man who was already making preparations for the special meal. A large fire pit, gritty dirt, a large spitted carcass, a mass of his father's attendants standing looking in horror at what was intended to be their meal.

_That's why! I always wondered why father chose Kuru Eruna to sacrifice, now I know. They were the ones with that roasted camel._ He shuddered at the memory of camel grease sliding down his chin and trying to suppress his gag reflex, while his father stoically chewed his meal beside him._ Father should have killed them slower._

With a hideous sense of déjà vu, he forced his reluctant throat to swallow the lump.

"Do you know what it is?" Yugi smiled sweetly.

"Camel." Bakura stumbled by, looking as uneasy and horrified as Yami felt. "They've got a truck load of canned camel meat in the back." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder toward the kitchen. "I saw it come in."

"I'm eating a camel?" Honda poked at the food on his tray, "Man when they do international foods, they really mean it don't they."

Yami desperately chomped into his apple, trying to get the taste and texture of overdone camel out of his mouth, and glared at the thief. "I just got a piece of my memory back. It was your village. They roasted a camel and made me and my father eat it."

"I don't remember…" Bakura paused frowning, his eyes narrowed. "Was it an old man, no teeth and wore a red scarf?"

Yami nodded as the picture of the old man, crouched next to the spitted camel, slowly roasting it over a fire, surfaced. _Evil old man._

"Fuck." Bakura breathed, looking lost in his memories, "When I was just a toddler, my cousin got married and that old man cooked a camel for them." He shivered as long ago horror dawned in his eyes, "I was only three for Ra's sake…When I grew up, I knifed anyone who killed a camel. They thought I liked camels." He shook his head, trying to refocus on the present world. "I just didn't want anyone near me getting any ideas of roasting one."

Noticing an absence, Yami looked around for Yugi as Bakura, still lost on memory lane was steered gently away by Ryou, who took the opportunity to drop his tray on the table. "Where's Yugi?"

"He was heading for the bathroom. I think." Honda tossed his tray on top of Ryou's and pushed them both as far away as he could. "Seemed to be in a hurry."

Yami closed his eyes and turned away still tasting camel. _Why did I want to have a body? Why?_

He shivered and took another bite of his apple, noticing a warm body suddenly landing on the bench next to him where Yugi had been sitting a few moments before. "Aibou, I really think it's time for you to start packing a…" He looked over, expecting a rather green looking Yugi to be sitting there and found himself facing a girl.

She was beautiful, with long, silky blond hair and large blue eyes. Her skin was perfectly clear –a miracle in a high school- and she was dressed in a demure, though figure flattering dress. She leaned familiarly close to him and smiled happily. " Koi, what are you eating? You will share won't you?" She cuddled close to him, as he stared in shock at her. "You aren't going to make me eat a camel are you?"

Honda nodded as Yami jerked back, ready to disillusion the crazy girl. "Yeah, Yami, you can't make Sapphire eat camel. Man, who knows what would happen. The baby would be born deformed or something"

"Wha…?" Yami turned and looked at him, trying to put distance between him and the blond girl.

Yugi reappeared, wiping his mouth. "Hi Sapphire, how was the appointment? Is Yami jr. alright and everything?" He sat down on the bench on the other side of his darkness and leaned around to smile at the girl. "It's going to be so great! I can't wait to be an uncle."

"Yugi! What the hell are you talking about? You know this girl?" He yanked his arm free and scrambled to his feet.

Honda shook his head, "That's really cold Yami. Really, first you knock her up, then you beg her to marry you, now you pretend you don't know her? Cold. Really cold."

"But…but…I have never seen this girl before in my…." He looked wildly around. The girl looked about ready to burst into tears. Yugi looked confused and a little frightened and Honda looked ticked.

"Yami? Are you okay?" Yugi reached out radiating worry. "Are you sick? Should I call a doctor?"

Sapphire sniffled softly, large, soft tears running down her porcelain cheeks. "Yami, koi, I'm sorry. It's all my fault isn't it. Your angry because I left early and didn't make you breakfast." She reached over and took one of his hands in one of her lovely, long fingered hands. Her big, blue eyes leaking tears as they looked sorrowfully up at him. "I'll make it up to you. I'll make a wonderful dinner and we can spend the entire night doing whatever you want to do."

Yugi smiled at her reassuringly, "He's just being moody. You know how expectant fathers can get."

Yami wobbled on his feet staring, horrified, at his light.

Ryou walked up, still leading a shaky Bakura, and nudged Yami. "Excuse us, Bakura needs to… We have to go." He turned and smiled at Sapphire. "Oh, hello Sapphire. Thank you for letting me borrow that book on advanced chemistry. It really helped."

"You're welcome Ryou." She sniffled a bit, but smiled bravely. "I have some class notes too if you think you might need them."

"No, but thank you just the same." He glanced at a Yami Yugi and lowered his voice to a whisper. "Marital problems?"

She nodded miserably. "I forgot to make breakfast."

Bakura laughed, "Wife's first duty. Feed your husband."

There was a sudden loud thump and everyone turned to see Yami sprawled across the floor. Out cold.

* * *

**Nameless One**: Thanks for the review! The hikaris are just begining their campain, just wait to you see what else they, and Marik, have planned for our pharaoh. 


	3. Mr Mom

Disclaimer: Yugi-oh is the property of Kazuki Takahashi, who is a genius.

Here it finally is! The one shot that has somehow morphed into a mini series. This is a partner piece to _Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit_. It does fit into the _Chrysalis_ timeline if you wish it too. It would land just after the end of _Emergence_, just before _Psyche_ starts. It will also stand neatly alone by itself.

* * *

**Just Shoot Me**

Chapter 3: Mr. Mom

"Yami? Yami? Are you okay?" A small hand was shaking his shoulder, coaxing him back to the waking world.

Yami cracked open an eye. Yugi was peering anxiously at him, his violet eyes wide with concern as he loomed in his vision, obscuring the …cafeteria? Wait. This did not look anything like the cafitieria. He sat up, noticing that the motion caused a large amount of paper crackling, and looked around.

"Aibou? What are we… where are we?" Yami suddenly paused, three simultaneously competing issues crowded into his mind, as he looked wildly around.

First issue, he was wearing a paper dress. Oh, dear sweet Maat, he, a living god, pharaoh of Egypt, Prince of the Shadow Realm was sitting wearing nothing but a paper dress with a very large opening in the back and a startling tendency to ride up in the front, exposing rather private bits of anatomy. The only thing between him and complete humiliation was a tiny plastic belt that looped coyly around his waist, barely holding the paper dress together.

Second issue, as he wiggled around desperately trying to preserve his dignity, he realized that the blur behind his little hikari's head was a poster. He felt his eyes widen to the point he was almost surprise his eyeballs didn't just roll out of his head, as he took a good look at the poster. It depicted more about the female anatomy then he had ever, ever, in five thousand years of existence wanted to know. It was even in color, with little labels telling what female piece was named.

Third issue, he was sitting on a table, a very strange table, with very strange things attached to the table, that his agile mind suddenly pointed out to him, along with their possible uses.

"Aaahhhhgggg." Yami leapt away from that table with it's odd, appendages that seemed to be made to…-_better not go there, since **I** am the one in the paper dress- _nearly flattening his little light as he bolted toward the door. Only to be reminded the folly of leaving, as a cool breeze hit his backside.

"Where are my clothes?" Yami spun around, searching the room frantically.

Yugi looked uncertain. "I don't think you should Yami. The doctor said he wanted to look at you when you woke up."

Yami speeded up the search, finally unearthing his clothes from behind a flimsy floral curtain and shoving his body into them quickly, as if Set and all his legions of hell were knocking at the door demanding he get back on that table and try out some of those appendages.. "He can examine someone else."

"But Yami, aren't you worried about the baby?" Yugi tugged at his arm.

"Let Sapphire worry about the baby. I am out of here." Yami grabbed the door handle and wrenched it open.

"Who's Sapphire?" Yugi had to sprint to keep up with his yami, who was now half way through the doctor's office.

" You remember, my beloved, blushing bride, who I never met before." Yami didn't pause. He dodged a nurse who stepped out of a room into his path, ducked around a rolling cart and darted around a corner. Seeing a exit, he inwardly rejoiced and flung himself forward.

"Ah, Mr. Moto, awake I see." A rather large, soft man with glasses and a long white coat stepped into his path, blocking the tantalizing door with the large, green letters spelling exit.

Yugi panted up beside him. "Yes, he woke up just a few minutes ago. He's still acting strange though."

"The doctor smiled benignly, "Oh, that's to be expected." He gestured them in toward his office. "Well, I suppose that we can skip the exam. But you," he wagged a admonishing finger at Yami's nose, "have got to start eating better."

Covering his innocent nose defensivly, Yami scowled. "I'm eating fine. It's him," he pointed to Yugi's tiny nose, "that stuffed greasy camel meat in my mouth."

Yugi blushed, "Well, I didn't know it was a camel. I kind of thought it was really odd chipped beef on toast, without the toast part, or the chipped part, or the identifiable meat part."

The doctor succeeded in shooing them into chairs as he shook his head. "I think I have to agree with Yami on this one." He patted Yugi's head gently as he passed, "I know that you worry about his diet, but forcing him to eat exotic foods in his condition is not good."

"My condition?" Yami blinked looking around suspiciously at the office, the doctor and the bookshelves that were populated with books with titles like _An Expectant Father's Guide to Labor and Delivery, I'm Having Her Baby, Boys having Babies _and other panic inspiring titles.

"How about the memory lapses? Those are getting much worse." Yugi leaned toward the doctor as the other man settled behind a large oak desk. "Yesterday, he spent the whole day speaking Egyptian.

Yami opted out of the conversation as he noticed a more than life size replica of the inner workings of a female lurking next to his chair. He congratulated himself. After only a short exposure to that chart he could now, not only recognize what he was looking at as female things, but he could now name quite a few of the female things. Indeed, they seemed burned into his memory. Why he was blessed with a perfect memory of female things, but had problems remembering more important things; for example his hideous allergy to pineapplem that made him break into large, ichy, red hives; was, he was absolutely certain, vengeance. He wasn't sure who he had managed to tick off this badly, but he was going to start apologizing to all the deities he had ever heard of. He made a mental note to make a list when he got home and start to work immediately.

"So everything is still okay?" Yugi was leaning forward, across the doctor's desk. A look of concern spread across his face.

"Oh yes, just make sure he eats properly. The memory problems should clear up in a week or so." The doctor smiled benignly as he stood. "It's too be expected."

Yugi scampered to his feet dragging Yami along with him. "Thank you so much doctor. He really frightened me, collapsing like that in the cafeteria."

The doctor nodded, shooing them out the door. "You should probably take him home and have him rest." He waved the admonishing finger again at Yami's nose. "Now remember to take it easy."

Yami, wrenching his mind back on track, after making a quick survey of which gods he needed to put on his list, glared at the finger. "I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

Yugi smiled and pulled his yami toward the blessed exit door. "Thank you doctor. I just don't know what we'd do without your patience." He hugged Yami, "He is so cranky when he's pregnant."

Yami took a second to process that statement, allowing his little light to shove him out the door and into a small, nicely decorated courtyard. When the processing time elapsed, Yami stopped in his tracks, grabbing his light. "Exactly what did you just say?"

Yugi blushed, "Well, you are. You are cranky." He waved his hands a bit. "Don't tell me you don't remember this morning. It's not my fault that your getting too…ahhh… big for you leather pants -well, okay maybe it is- but that doesn't mean that you have to shriek in my ear like that."

"I did not shriek in your… I mean, the other part. The pregnant part." Yami eyed him suspiciously. "You did pay attention to those idiotic sex ed. classes didn't you. Men cannot get pregnant, it's one of the defining characteristics of being a man."

"Yami. Really, your memory is getting worse and worse. Remember, you cast that spell, the one that allows you to have kids?" Yugi pulled himself free of his dark and walked away. "First he wants kids, then he doesn't, then he forgets that he's pregnant and this is only the third month. What's going to happen in the second trimester, when all those hormones really kick in?"

Yami watched his light walk off muttering to himself. A spell, he cast a spell to make himself pregnant? He didn't know any spells like that. Why would he want to? Women and women alone were given that privilege by the gods. Who was he to question the gods will in such matters? And it wasn't conceit to know that if he wanted a child, it would be a simple task to find a willing female. He frowned at his hikari's back. Alright, something was up, the question was, what exactly was it?

-00000-

Ryou stood in line eyeing the menu board. Big Mac or Fillet o'Fish? Or maybe he should head over to Panda Pagoda and get orange chicken? He looked across the food court and shrugged. The line was just as long there as it was here. Still, there was Starbucks and their petrified scones, that line was short and he could get a tea latte there. He looked at the line of preprocessed burgers waiting under the heat lamp and slipped over to Starbucks.

Malik stepped up behind him. "Hey, any word yet from Yugi?"

"No, he should be here soon." Ryou inspected the apple pie slices that sat attractively in the food case. "Do you think that will actually taste like an apple pie?"

"Nope, not a chance." Malik looked around the crowd that milled through the area. "Nothing here tastes like anything, except the drinks. Go over to Hilda's Hoffbrau and get something there." He nodded to where a humiliated dark haired girl, with braids, a white starchy hat and an outfit right out of Heidi stood glowering behind the counter.

Ryou sighed, "No, one last chance for the scones. Maybe this time they won't be that bad." He stepped forward and put in his order as Malik shook his head in despair and went to Hilda's for decent food.

"Malik, have you seen Ryou?" Yugi huffed up in line behind him, looking a bit red and sweating lightly.

"Over at Starbucks getting a cup of tea and an industrial strength oil spill absorber." Malik stepped up to the counter and ordered an apple kringle and a cup of cherry soda.

"Oh, okay." Yugi took a deep breath. "I thought I was late. Yami was having a hissy fit on the way back from the doctors."

Malik snickered. "That was really priceless. The look on his face when he realized where he was…"

"You saw? The spy camera worked?" Yugi broke into a wide grin. "Did you see him in the doctor's private office? He kept looking at that model as if it was about to attack him."

"My favorite was the table. Did you see how fast he jumped off it?" Malik grabbed his food as it appeared and sauntered away calling back a cheerful farewell to Heidi.

Ryou had already found a table beneath a palm tree near the piano that presided over the center of the food courts rotunda. He had already pushed his scone out of the way and was sipping moodily at his tea.

"The gods of Starbuck still don't like you?" Malik thumped down into a metal chair and grinned at his fellow hikari.

"They look so good in the case…" Ryou sighed and took another sip of his tea as Yugi perched on his own chair.

"Well, how is it going?" Malik nudged Yugi as he took a bite of his kringle.

"I don't know. I think we should have stuck with Sapphire." Yugi cracked off a piece of Ryou's abandoned scone and nibbled on it. "The whole male pregnancy thing is just too unbelievable. My yami isn't a idiot you know."

Ryou nodded. "If we could have we would have. But you're the one who beaned her with your tray, remember."

"She was trying to do mouth to mouth with MY yami." Yugi frowned at the memory. "He only fainted. There was no reason she had to press her painted, probably disease infested lips against my yami's mouth. Then, when since has CRP involved taking someone's belt off and unzipping their pants? I can't believe she…"

"Okay, so Sapphire was a bad choice." Malik cut into the grumble mid-sentence. "Picking up a Mary Sue from the amateur actor's club was probably a bad idea. She's still whining about you interrupting her artistic expression."

"There will be no artistic expression with my yami's body." Yugi growled, glaring as a group of innocent girls walked by smiling coyly at the group. They hurried along though when Yugi bared his teeth and tossed a piece of scone at them. "Girls are evil. Evil. Never trust a girl and her sneaking CPR lips near your yami. Never. One minute they are saying their going to have his baby and the next they're ogling your yami's boxers. The next girl that comes anywhere near my darkness is…"

"Pushing right along…" Ryou smiled apologetically at the girls and grabbed Yugi's hand as it reached for more scone. "How is the night club working out?"

"My yami's convinced the owner, to let us perform tonight." Malik grinned evilly. "He's also convinced him that Yami Yugi's been working for him for years."

Ryou patted Yugi's hand, pulled the scone out of reach and shook his head. "Somehow I just know I don't want to hear how he convinced that man."

Malik shrugged, finishing off his kringle and sipping his drink. "Hey, what's the fun of having a mind controlling magical item if you never control anyone's mind? Besides, it's either let him mind control the bar tender of let him rove around terrorizing Domino City in the name of April Fools Day."

Yugi, still grumbling about lips, artists and girls, folded his arms and shoved himself back in his seat. "There's only one small problem."

"Don't worry about it. He'll be behind the bar." Malik had a wild, excited look in his eyes as he wadded up his paper plate and tossed it toward the nearest trash bin. "It's us getting groped that I'm worried about."

"Yeah, and I'm the Queen Mum." Ryou poked him. "You are looking forward to this. Dancing on a table, stripping off your clothes, having drooling people stuff money in your drawers. You can't wait can you."

Malik laughed, "I'll admit it if you do. You can't wait to see Bakura's face when he sees you dancing."

"My poor, poor yami." Ryou's grin matched the evilest grin Malik ever managed in his entire life. "So innocent."

"My yami's going to have heart failure." Yugi smiled happily. "See if he ever ignores me again."

-000000-

Yami sat quietly in front of the evening stock report, trying to calm his nerves. It was taking awhile. All his clothes had somehow morphed into bondage gear. Lurking upstairs in his closet were shirts with frightening amounts of buckles, pants made up of even more buckles placed in uncomfortable and probably genital threatening places, neck buckles that made him fear for his throat's continued non-punctured existence, belts that could be used in hand to hand combat, arm bands that had to be listed as weapons of mass destruction, shoes and boots that made his poor feet cringe in terror. And all of it was too tight around the waist. But the most shocking, the thing that caused him to quiver in disbelieving horror, was that nowhere did he find even the remotest clue of his comfy, flannel pjs and after the day he had, he needed his pjs. He needed his soft comfy pjs, a long soakingly bubbly bath, a hour or two of listening to people drone soothingly about finance and perhaps a fifth of whiskey.

"Yami, hurry up. We're going to be late." Yugi ran down the steps from the upper bedrooms, brushing his hair and trying to wiggle into a bondage shirt.

"Late?" Yami frowned noticing that Yugi had put enough eyeliner on to rival the Cover Girl poster bimbette. "Aibou, why are you wearing makeup?"

"Yami, hurry." Yugi tossed the brush onto a table and raced into the kitchen. "I'll fix us something to eat, but if you don't hurry you'll be eating on the way there."

"Where?" Yami cast a longing look at the TV, with it's soothing scene of two young newscasters who had more moose in their hair then there was in Canada, and pulled himself away to see what horror his light was going to do to him now.

"Yami…" Yugi wailed as he slapped together peanut butter sandwiches. "Get dressed. Oh, Kami, we don't have time…"

"Where are we supposed to be going?" Yami was shoved out of the kitchen and marched up the stairs by his hikari.

"Work. Please, we need to get going. If we're late again, he'll fire us." Yugi shoved him into their room and bolted back down the stairs. "I put your things out for you, since you were watching TV."

Yami stood in the middle of the room, blinking at the array of buckles, studs and leather straps that his light had laid out on the bed. "Great. Just great. I always knew I had a faulty memory, but this?"

With a martyred groan, he started peeling out of his school shirt and pants and putting on his work gear. "Somehow, I am have a feeling I am not going to be happy in my career choice."

* * *

**Review please**! I don't keep my stories hostage for reviews, but knowing people are interested does make me write faster to please you guys.

**anonymous:** Thanks! Here's the chapie.

**Usakou**: Yes, things do seem to unravel as they go, and it's not quite as random as it seems. Just remember, there are three ploting hikaris and one yami behind the scenes.

**Seto's Obbsessive Stalker**: Here it is, more Yami Yugi torment to knock you off furniture.


	4. Time to Quit the Day Job

Disclaimer: Yugi-oh is the property of Kazuki Takahashi, who is a genius.

Here it finally is! The one shot that has somehow morphed into a mini series. This is a partner piece to _Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit_. It does fit into the _Chrysalis_ timeline if you wish it too. It would land just after the end of _Emergence_, just before _Psyche_ starts. It will also stand neatly alone by itself.

* * *

**Just Shoot Me**

**Chapter 4: Time to Quit the Day Job**

Yami stood behind the bar and rolled his eyes as his darling, innocent light danced down the stage, unbuckling his shirt. Yugi smiled gleefully as he dropped the shirt onto the stage and did a pelvic swivel that would have put many professional belly dancers to shame.

"Scotch, straight up." Bakura growled at him from the other side of the bar, a self satisfied smirk lingering around his lips as Yami turned and caught up a bottle of Glenlevits.

"Here, just take the bottle. If Yugi's little performance is any indication, your going to need it." Yami shoved the scotch across the bar with a glass, wincing as Yugi's pants hit the floor to a rousing cheer from the assembled crowd.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but my light is sitting at home doing his homework. It's only yours and Marik's hikaris that are out there as the floor show." Bakura smirked, but took the bottle and glass. "My light knows better then flaunt himself in public."

"Really?" Yami consulted his bartender's guide and mixed up a Bloody Mary for a slender man who's eyes were riveted on Yugi's show. As the man reached into his wallet, extracted a five dollar bill and ambled over to tuck it into Yugi's G string, Yami calmly added a quarter cup of Tabasco sauce to the drink and slipped the drink across the counter.

Bakura laughed evilly and ambled off with his bottle to go sit next to Marik, who was busy whistling and shouting for Yugi to take it all off. Yami smiled to himself, scaring a drunk. "Laugh now thief, you'll get yours."

Yugi grinned over at him and did a set of pelvic thrusts and twirled around to shake his bottom saucily. Three men jumped eagerly forward and stuffed money into the slender band that disappeared between Yugi's butt cheeks. Laughing, Yugi straightened, whisked the money out of his undies and did a twisting gyration that lowered him down to the floor in front of the men.

Yami sighed, memorized the three men's faces and fixed another drink as the skimpily clad waitress darted up to the bar to order more drinks for the audience.

"Wow, it's really busy in here. Usually, it's completely dead." She grinned happily out at the crowd that was presently drooling at Yugi lounging on the floor kicking his legs up. "And it's not just pervs tonight either, there's couples and groups." She smiled happily at him. "I just hope this keeps up. I could really use the money."

Yami nodded, "This is unusual?"

"Yeah, the owner was actually thinking of selling this place. It just wasn't making any money." She leaned against the bar, sighing, watching as Yami mixed the drinks together. "I really need this job. Maybe he won't close if this keeps up."

Yami put the drinks on the tray. "Do you recognize any of these people?"

She shook her head, "Just a couple, most are new."

Yami nodded as she flitted away. Yugi was now putting on a floor show, displaying a talent for flexibility that made Yami arch his eyebrows and the audience lean closer as his slender body flexed into a backbend. The curtain behind the raised stage ruffled slightly and Yami caught a glimpse of silvery hair. Apparently Bakura was about to be disillusioned. Yami hummed happily and went to rinse some bar equipment as Yugi's set wrapped up, with a swirl of colorful hair and a sassy hip shimmy.

The lights dimmed dramatically and Ryou slithered out in a sinuous coil of white and a cloud of dry ice induced fog. Yami leaned merrily forward to get a good view, not of him, but of Bakura suddenly choking, coughing and gagging on his scotch. Ryou tossed his darkness a coy smile, twitched his wrist and flicked a long, white leather whip across the floor with a snap, before sauntering up the center aisle in his skin tight, white, leather pants, white leather vest, thigh high white leather boots with stiletto heels and rakishly cocked white, leather hat. Ryou flicked the whip again then started dancing, twirling the whip and doing suggestive things with it and his tongue. The crowd screamed in excitement. Yami, wiping out the blender, wondered how long it would take for Bakura to stop gasping for breath and make the crowd scream for an entirely different reason.

Marik whistled and waved a bill at Ryou, who prowled over sensuously taking off his vest and caught the bill in his teeth, dropping the vest across Marik's shoulder with a brazen wink. Bakura, coughing the last of the scotch out of his lungs, lunged across the table and decked his fellow yami. Ryou arched an eyebrow, flicked his hair over his shoulder and danced across the stage flirtatiously unzipping his pants.

"Three more High Balls for table nine." The waitress buzzed up, grinning happily. "I just got the most amazing tip." She waved a hundred dollar bill. "Can you put it behind the bar for me?"

Yami nodded, took the bill, and mixed the drinks. "Sure, I'll put it in the cash drawer." He nodded toward where Bakura was slamming Marik's head against the floor. "Should we call a bouncer?"

She glanced over, "Nah, they're just being boys." She grabbed a bowl of pretzels. "Feed 'um and they calm right down."

Yami placed the drinks on the tray, with another bottle of scotch. "Here, give… Whitey… a drink on the house." He watched as Ryou shimmied out of his leather pants, leaving him wearing a tiny, white leather thong. "It looks like he's going to need it."

"Doesn't he already…?" She frowned over to where "Whitey" was now sitting, staring up at Ryou with a bewildered, and stunned look. Ryou's white leather pants were now draped over his head.

Yami nodded at Ryou, "They're dating."

"Ooooh, lucky guy." She looked dreamily at Ryou, who was doing toe touches while shaking his bottom in time to the music.

Yugi bounced out the employee's only door and leapt behind the bar. "I really love this job! Did you see that guy? The one over there?" Yugi pointed to a man dressed in jeans, boots and a flannel shirt. "He gave me a hundred dollars!"

Yami calmly took note of the doomed man and patted his light on the head. "That's nice little one. If he ever touches you again, he'll spend the next hundred millennia screaming his soul out in the Shadow Realm."

"Yami!" Yugi apparently had been taking notes at the doctor's office. A strict, admonishing finger suddenly was waving at his nose. "No sending clients to the Shadow Realm."

Backing away from the finger, Yami shrugged, "Fine. I'll just get Bakura to do it for me, once he's finished locking Ryou up."

Yugi looked over to where Ryou was now doing splits on the stage, slowly rising up and down in rhythm to the beat. "Wow, I didn't know he could do THAT!"

"You missed the whip dance." Yami turned and quickly blended together a pair of banana daiquiris for two girls that swayed up to the bar. The waitress smiled and zipped off, grinning happily and gyrating in time to the music.

"This is soooo fun." Yugi waved as a young woman in fishnet pantyhose and a bright red boostier raised her glass and winked at him. Tiredly, Yami made note of her face. The list of people he'd have to mind crush or banish was getting longer and longer. Too bad there wasn't some version of frequent flyer miles for the Shadow Realm.

-000-

Marik smiled contentedly down at the stunned thief, then took a moment to appreciate the sight of Ryou sliding sinuously across the floor, tangled with the whip. He then looked over to where Yami Yugi and his little aibou were wiping glasses behind the bar. Yugi was chatting and dancing in place merrily and Yami was looking homicidally stoic. He glanced around the audience and noted that everyone was in place. _Time for act two._

-000-

"Yugi!" Honda waved as he squirmed through the growing crowd, with Anzu, Mai, and Duke tagging at his heels. "Great dance."

Yami considered the repercussions of tossing Honda into the Shadow Realm, then nixed the idea when Yugi smiled and waved to his friends. He contented himself with a glare then ducked under the bar. "I'm going to go see if the tomb robber's still breathing."

Yugi nodded, watching his darkness stalk away, then he leaned over the bar. "Everything set?"

Honda grinned, "Just lead him over and we'll begin."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Anzu looked worriedly over to where Yami was leaning over Bakura, trying to haul the white haired thief back to his feet and into a chair. A task complicated by Ryou doing a set of spread legged tumbles that sent the crowd into a screaming frenzy and Bakura into semi catatonic shock. The pharaoh gave it up, propped Bakura against the table's leg and turned to talk with Marik.

"Sure. It's all worked out." Yugi waved them away. "Just remember, be perky and stick to the script."

"I don't think I'm up to perky right now. How about moody?" Duke leaned tiredly against Honda's shoulder.

Yugi bit his lip thoughtfully, "Well, the best for you would probably be coy and slightly flirtatious. Could you handle twiddling your earring and maybe a couple of flirty comments?"

Duke looked doubtful, till Mai patted his shoulder. "Don't worry about it. I'll jot a couple down on a napkin. That will leave you with playing with your earring and reading a line or two. If you don't know what to say, stall by flipping your hair."

"Thanks," Duke turned and ambled off. "I'll go get us a table."

Yami nodded pleasantly at Mai and Anzu as he ducked back under the bar. "Anybody want a drink? It took awhile, but I've made friends with the blender."

Anzu shook her head. "I don't drink anymore."

Mai kissed her proudly, then nodded, "Kailua and cream for me."

"Gin and tonic." Honda looked around. "You know, this place is kinda cool. Always thought it would be sleazy in here."

Yami tossed the drinks together and nodded. "Ryou slithering around is helping." He nodded toward the stage.

Ryou had gotten hold of a chair and was wrapped seductively around it. The two girls that had ordered daiquiris were now standing at the side of the stage, cheering Ryou on, as he slithered provocatively across the chair. Bakura sat on the floor, his eyes riveted on Ryou's undulating body and drinking scotch straight from the bottle.

Honda, watched for a moment then turned. "I'm going to need therapy. I just know I'm going to need therapy."

Yugi wiggled out from behind the bar and pulled him and the others toward the table Duke found. "Maybe you can get a group rate with Bakura."

Yami watched them leave and quickly put all the glasses away, cleaned off the counter and filled a few bowls with beer nuts and pretzels.

The waitress scampered up, bright eyed and laughing. "Here, can you put this with the rest of my tips?" She handed over a wad of bills. "This place is really hot tonight." She watched as Ryou started rubbing and thrusting against the chair. "And he is really great. He's seduced all the girls and half the guys in the place."

Yami nodded, putting her money away, "Any problems?"

"No. There's a group of kids in the back, who're a bit rowdy, but I had the bouncer go over and calm them down. They're fine, now." She pulled out the order form for drinks and handed it over.

Yami quickly filled the order. "I'm taking ten minutes off. Why don't you take some time off too."

She sighed, "My feet are saying hell yes, but my wallet is saying feed me."

"Listen to your feet." He nodded to where Bakura was sitting on the floor, numbly watching Ryou lick his new lover, the chair. "To make it up, tell him if he gives you a hundred you'll get Ryou to leave the stage. It's just about time for Marik's turn."

She nodded as she scooped up the tray of drinks. "A hundred?"

Yami watched as she delivered the drinks then went to kneel next to Bakura. In a moment, Bakura lunged for his wallet and pulled out a huge wad a bills and thrust them into her hands. "I'd say her wallet is now well fed."

She danced back, glowing and counting her money. "Okay, Ryou's set can end now." She handed over the wad of money for Yami to put with the rest of her tips and skipped gleefully over to the stage. She leaned across the footlights and in a moment Ryou nodded.

He rolled languidly off his chair, did a handstand, ending in a split, then with a crack of his whip, twirled off stage. Bakura leapt to his feet with a euphoric yell and darted toward the door marked 'dancers only'.

Yami put the glasses away, straightened up the bar and was filling the bowls with pretzels and beer nuts when Malik's act began. Marik was leaning contentedly back in his chair, with a loony, expectant grin on his face as the music was cued up. As Malik strode onto the stage, Marik stopped grinning. Yami frowned. Bakura, being dragged by a now dressed Ryou to the table where their friends were sitting, paused and started laughing.

Malik paced down the stage wearing a formal business suit. His normally tousled hair was combed and gelled into strict order. His grey, conservatively cut slacks didn't have so much as a wrinkle. The matching jacket was unbuttoned, showing a starchy, white shirt and a black pin-strip tie. Matching black loafers, buffed to a mellow shine, hardly made a sound as he walked, with one hand casually hooked into one pocket.

Yami grinned as Marik stood up, his mouth opened in protest. Malik merely turned away and slowly started to dance.

Yami looked around for a second, found an unopened bottle of whiskey, caught up a glass and slid out from behind the bar. He walked over to the table and set the bottle and the glass down. "Good luck to you."

Marik, watching his light casually toss his jacket off, nodded and filled the glass. "Thanks."

Yami turned away, heading for the table where his little light was talking with the others. "I'll be on break for a bit. When you run out. I think Bakura still might have some scotch."

Marik nodded again, eyes glued to where Malik was slowly unbuttoning his shirt, seemingly oblivious to his yami. Marik sat down, looking puzzled. "Pharaoh, what is he doing?"

"Ignoring you." Yami called back, winding his way through the crowd and humming happily to himself.

"… I just felt so used." Honda sighed, as Yami approached.

Yugi, Mai, Anzu, Ryou and Duke all nodded sympathetically. Bakura, shook his head and took another gulp of scotch. Mai was sipping her drink, with her arm wrapped protectively around Anzu's waist. Yugi sat next to Honda, patting him comfortingly on the back. Duke was nodding and playing with his hair.

Honda covered Yugi's hand with his and shook his head. "I never thought something like that could happen to me."

Yami caught an unused chair from a nearby table and set himself at the end of the table. "What happened?"

"Shhh." Mai glanced over to him. "It's Honda's turn to share."

Duke opened his mouth, looked unsure, flipped his hair and looked down at his cocktail napkin. "Uh..he's just so cute when he's…ah…" he looked uncertainly at where Honda was being comforted by Yugi, "angry."

Bakura groaned, shaking his head.

Ryou hugged him and whispered to Yami. "He's feeling a bit…drunk.

"Ahem, it's Honda's turn." Anzu whispered back warningly.

"Turn for what?" Yami looked around his friends, puzzled.

"We formed a support group." Honda leaned back in the booth casually, apparently done with his sharing.

"Yep. We all have tragic pasts." Yugi snitched Honda's glass of gin and tonic and sniffed it suspiciously.

"I was raped and beaten mercilessly by my father." Honda yawned, watching Malik toss his loafers over his shoulder.

"So was I." Duke twirled his earring.

"Me too." Yugi grinned happily, swirling the drink in his fingers.

"Ditto." Mai lounged back in the booth, cuddling Anzu and sipping her drink.

"Same here." Bakura hiccupped, then fell face first on the table.

"I'm a little low on family, living alone and all, but Bakura does his best." Ryou, hugging Bakura's unconscious form lovingly. "I'm probably going to slit my wrists later, then Kura will realize just how much he loves me and is going to kill himself in remorse."

Anzu smiled perkily, "I'm going to turn into a heartless bitch in a little bit, so I thought I'd join too. See, I'm slated to murder everyone with a chain saw in a week or two."

"You mean just like that Freddy guy?" Yugi asked sipping Honda's drink.

"I think you mean Michael from that Halloween movie. Freddy had those creepy hand thingies." Honda shrugged.

"Oooo. I want creepy hand thingies!" Anzu looked at her hands, flexing her fingers.

"Nah, I like the chain saw." Honda made chainsaw swinging motions, nearly smacking Yugi in the face.

"Hey, saw a movie where they used a electric drill." Duke frowned, pinging his earring thoughtfully with his finger.

"Hmmm." Anzu looked over to where Malik was all but doing a lap dance for a pimply cowboy, "That's really a good idea. My dad's got a really nice cordless drill. The battery lasts forever. I could do major damage with that."

"Yeah!" Yugi bounced happily in his seat, "Then I could use it to kill myself with later if it still has a charge!"

"WHAT!" Yami fell off his chair.

"Well, yeah. After Anzu electric drills everyone to death, then I can miraculously kill her, then kill myself in grief over everyone's tragic passing."

"This could work." Mai nodded thoughtfully.

"No, this could not work." Yami got to his feet, yanking his light out of the booth. "You are getting new friends."

"Yami." Yugi shrugged free and turned and glared at him. "I am not getting new friends. We have a support group. That means we support each other." He pointed to where Marik was sitting. "Why don't you go support Marik. He looks like he needs a friend."

"Your friends are discussing electric drilling you to death." Yami hissed.

Yugi waved his finger again. "Yami, part of a good support group is that we don't make value judgments. How are we supposed to help each other if we kept saying things like "I won't be your friend because you want to drill me to death." It wouldn't work. Now, either go talk to Marik or go back to work."

Yami opened his mouth.

Duke cleared his throat, twirled his earring and muttered. "Why don't you get me a drink…hottie boy."

Yami jerked around and looked at him. "What!"

Duke looked pleadingly at Mai, then flipped his hair, twirled his earring again and looked away. Honda smacked him then grabbed the cocktail napkin that sat in front of Duke and crumpled it up. Mai sighed, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

Yugi, looking a bit desperate, grabbed Yami and hauled him over to the bar. "Why don't you just take a few minutes of you time."

"I don't want me time. I want sending people to the Shadow Realm time." Yami snarled, unsuccessfully trying to free himself from his light.

"No. No sending people to the Shadow Realm." Yugi shoved him behind the bar. "We've been over that before. Now I have to get back to my meeting." He pointed to the rows of liquor bottles. "You work."

He gave his dark a small push in the right direction, then with a warning glare, walked back to his friends. Yami seethed, glaring at the group with narrowed, glowing eyes.

"Hey, Pharaoh, you off your little break yet." Marik leaned over the counter waving the empty bottle of whiskey.

Yami growled at him and Marik shrugged. "Oh, don't get all pissy. You can send the lot of them to the Shadow Realm later, when your little aibou isn't looking."

Yami nodded, smiling a cold, narrow, little smile. "Excellent thought. Duke goes first."

Marik sat on a stool and plunked the bottle down. "Personally, I'd go after Anzu before she gets home and finds that drill."

Yami nodded, exchanging the bottle for another one. "Good point." He looked over to Malik, who was now dancing in a small pin-strip thong. "Why isn't Malik over with the others? Didn't his father actually burn those hieroglyphics…"

"He has me." Marik pulled out the Millennium Rod. "Great thing this rod. It's instant therapy." He rapped it on the edge of the bar. "Maybe we should make a few more. What do you think?"

"That sounds good, I've got the Millennium Hair Gel." Honda sauntered up with the others just behind him, twanging his hair. "I can't tell you how great it's made my life."

"Millennium Lipstick" Mai blew a kiss waving a small gold tube with a Millennium Eye on it.

"Millennium Dice." Duke tossed a bright, gold set of dice across the bar. Two Millennium Eyes rolled face up.

"I have the Millennium Smiley Face Pin." Anzu tapped a gold button on her shirt, that had one Millennium eye with a wide smile under it.

It suddenly seemed that everyone in the bar turned and smiled happily at Yami, pulling Millennium Items out and showing them to him.

"I have the Millennium Jacks."

"The Millennium Can Opener."

"Millennium Gold Cross Pen."

"Millennium CD Player."

"Millennium Boostier," called a girl, slurping up the last of her daiquiri and pulling aside her jacket to show a gold boostier.

"Oooo I want that!" Mai's eyes widened appreciatively. "I'll trade you!"

Yami blinked at Marik. "Seems someone already thought of your idea."

* * *

Review!

**BlackJackel:** Thanks for the fun reviews. I'm just glad there are actually people out there who think this is funny. I sometimes wonder if I'm just strange.

**MistyStarlight:** authoress glows I'm happy! I love hearing reviews like this. Thank you! I liked Yugi's rant too. Just wait till Sapphire returns...


	5. What Goes Around

I don't own Yu-Gi-oh! I really wish I did. I would have more episodes with Kaiba looking yummy.

Is it just me, or does anyone else wonder why the pharaohs kept the Millennium Puzzle, but left the cooler items to the priests?

* * *

Just Shoot Me

Chapter 5: What Goes Around…

Yami was finally getting the idea of what this was about. First, that girl pretending to be his wife. Second, he had woken up in a gynecologists office –you will pay for that, aibou-. Third, his clothes are all exchanged for bondage gear. Now, his light and his fellow hikaris were wiggling around on a stage and having togetherness meetings involving chainsaws and electric drills.

Marik was back in his seat grinning, whistling and waving down the waitress with his now empty whiskey bottle. Yami narrowed his eyes at him. When they had arrived, Yugi hauling him through the club's door, the bar owner had looked a bit… mind controlled. He remembered Seth's deft handling of the Millennium Rod and the look on those unfortunates' faces that Seth deemed fit to exercise it's power on. After witnessing Seth's mastery, he could spot a clumsy job at mind control. He shook his head, and wiped the bar top. Yami sighed, "Sometimes, my friend, I do miss you. All you wanted to do was kill me and take my throne. Never, not even once, did you force me to work in a strip club, wear pants that cut off circulation to my legs, or try to stuff money in my lover's underwear."

He looked to where his precious hikari stood talking to his friends, then over to where Malik now leaned tipsily against the table swigging whisky from the bottle. The waitress hustled over, her hips swinging in time to the music.

"Tell me, have you seen any of the dancers here tonight before?" He caught her hand.

"No. You all just showed up. It was Miki's night for the bar and Jade, Patti and Suni were supposed to dance." She shook her head, "Then all of a sudden you guys just showed up and that was that." She looked apologetically at Yami, "I don't mean to… I mean, those guys are alright and all, a bit dull to watch, but they get the job done, and Miki's okay as a bar tender. You guys though are great. The clients love you guys, I'm getting amazing tips and I have yet to have someone toss their drink at me."

Yami nodded, "Just one more question. Do you recognize anyone in the audience?"

She looked around and shrugged, "No, why?"

"Someone's going to a lot of trouble to make my life miserable today, and I want to know why." Yami grumbled, more to himself than to her as he let her go and turned to mix drinks.

"Oh, April Fools." She laughed. "Who do you think is trying to prank you?"

"April Fools?" Yami looked at her curiously. "What is that?"

"You know, the first day of April? You play jokes on each other?" She looked at him, perplexed. "April Fools Day?"

"No, sorry. I've never heard of it." He consulted his bartender's book and quickly mixed together a margarita. "I'm originally from Egypt. We didn't have it there."

"Oh, that's too bad." She balanced the drinks on the tray and swayed away to the music.

"Yes, too bad." Yami smiled another smile, that frightened the drunk again. "Too bad indeed." He then raised his eyes to look at Marik, who was half slipping off his chair, a satisfied smile spread over his lips. "Somehow, I think April Fools Day is going to be extended to tomorrow."

He slipped out from behind the bar and walked to Marik. "Marik." He pulled the drunken Yami to his feet. "You need some air."

"Hey, feelin' fine here pharaoh." Marik giggled, listing heavily to the right.

"I can see that." Yami hauled the other yami over to the back door. "But you'll like this. Have I ever shown you some of the more interesting things the Millennium Puzzle can do? No? Well," He shoved Marik through the door, "Let me show you why only pharaohs hold the Millennium Puzzle…"

-0000-

The last bell of the school day rang and hundreds of relieved students fled for sanity. Yugi bolted right along with them. He waved a quick hello to Duke as he flashed by in the stream of those fleeing the halls of education, accidentally slammed into Roba, who was valiantly trying to open his locker, and yelled a greeting towards Honda. In moments, the tide washed him out the front door and into the school yard. He dove out of the current and looked around for his yami and friends. Sooner or later they'd get washed out of the building.

"Hi Yugi!" Anzu pattered over to him, smiling happily.

"Anzu! Hi. Have you seen Yami and the others?" He hopped onto a nearby bench trying to peer above the wave of heads.

"Yami's over there." She pointed towards the front steps of the building. "I haven't seen anyone else yet. Can you spot Mai? She said she'd pick me up after school."

Yugi glanced around. "Nope, not yet." He stood on his toes, trying to spot his darkness. "I saw Honda in the hall, but he was talking to Ribbon."

Anzu nodded. "Ah, Yugi…mmm…well, about Yami. You know that girl, Sapphire? Well, she apologized to him and…well…they, sort of…well…seem to really have a lot in common."

Yugi blinked, then shrugged, "That's nice, Yami needs more friends. But, what does a member of the drama club and my yami…?"

"Aibou!" Yami gracefully wound his way out of the crowd with a glowing Sapphire in tow. "Hi, Anzu. Have you either of you seen Bakura? I need to talk to him a moment."

Yugi bit his lip and looked away, "Nope, haven't seen him."

Anzu snorted, "He didn't come to school today. He's probably busy chaining Ryou to the bed."

Yami sighed, then turned to Sapphire, "Apparently your going to have to wait a bit to test your theory."

"What theory?" Yugi hopped down off the table.

Sapphire blushed, "It's silly really." She pulled out a small gold mirror. "See, the mirror shows each owner of a Millennium Item." She held it out for Yugi to look at. In it's slivery depths he could see Marik sprawled across a couch tickling Malik. A second later, it showed Shadi walking down a hall way, then in a flash Isis appeared sitting at a desk thoughtfully tapping a pencil against her chin. "But for some reason it never shows Bakura." She frowned thoughtfully, flipping the mirror over absently, showing a gleaming Millennium Eye on it's back. "I was just wondering…"

"Hey, where did you get that?" Anzu pointed at the glittering object, then stepped back and whispered to Yugi. "Did we make a Millennium Mirror? I can't remember." She started ticking things off on her fingers. "There was a compact, a pen, lipstick, the pin, dice, gel, jacks and the boostier, was there a mirror too?"

Yugi whispered back, watching Yami wave to Honda. "No, no mirror. And defiantly not one that actually worked."

"Oops!" Sapphire clumsily juggled the Millennium Mirror, then it fell with a clatter to the pavement. Bright, gold sparks shot from it for a second then larger bolts of light exploded out. "Run!"

Yami and Sapphire bolted behind a nearby tree, leaving Yugi and Anzu staring shocked at mirror.

"Aibou, get out of there!" Yami yelled from behind the tree.

"Oh, Ra! Sorry, sorry. I'm such a klutz!" Sapphire wailed as a bolt of light obliterated part of the school wall.

Yugi and Anzu dove behind the bench as a bolt sizzled over their heads annihilating a tree branch. Students, who moments before had been drifting out the school gates scattered in screaming bunches. A couple of brave teachers emerged from the building, only to retreat hurriedly back into the building as a blast took off most of one door and part of the school steps.

"I told you not to drop it again!" Yami yelled, flattening himself and Sapphire to the ground, avoiding being incinerated by a passing bolt. "Can't you put it on a necklace or something?"

"I tried! It blew the necklace up!" Sapphire crawled frantically over to the pile of rubble that used to be the school wall and dove behind a large chunk of rock.

Honda emerged from the building, just as the mirror flashed again, sending more bright jags of energy across the school yard. He yelled and dove behind some bushes as a blast singed off the top of his hair. "Shit! What the hell is that!"

"Millennium Mirror." Yami yelled back, diving across the space between him and Yugi, to gather his hikari protectively against him. "It's a bit unstable."

"Ya think!" Honda yelped as the bush disintegrated. He quickly dove behind a trash can, slipping in a brown mush that used to be a banana.

"It'll calm down in just a second." Sapphire poked her head up and smiled reassuringly. "If it helps, it's never killed anyone before. Except…well, that was different. That man had a pacemaker and that other guy was just being stupid."

"Gee, isn't that reassuring." Anzu scrambled over to the large, gaping hole in the wall and ducked around the corner. She peeked back around the corner, only to jerk back as another blast of light shot past, totaling a parked car across the street.

Yami dragged Yugi through the hole and flattened them both to the ground next to Sapphire. "How about putting it in some kind of bag. Has it ever blown up a bag?"

Sapphire shook her head. "No, not really. It seems to like being in my purse, though, all my lipstick does tend to melt. Ruby said it was just residual energy discharge and I shouldn't worry."

"Ruby? Who's Ruby?" Yugi wiggled around to look into the school yard. The mirror seemed to be calming down, only emitting small, petulant sparks and a couple of tiny lighting bolts.

"Ruby's my yami." Sapphire stood up. "You'll like her. When she isn't killing people, she's lots of fun to be with."

Honda walked up, fingering the smoldering ruins of his pompadour. "Killing people?"

"Well, you know yamis." Sapphire smiled cheerfully. "They do like that dark, dangerous image." She pecked a small, apologetic kiss on Yami's cheek. "You, being a pharaoh, are excluded from that description. We won't even mention your penchant for posing with your arms crossed and wearing a neck belt."

Yami snorted and stood up. "And I won't mention the too cheerful for your own good thing that hikaris do." He helped Yugi to his feet. "I won't even mention someone's penchant for bouncing, bounding and smiling at everything in sight."

Yugi leaned against his darkness a moment, catching his breath, before bouncing over to Honda. "Are you all right?" He looked worriedly at Honda's hair.

"Yeah, fine. You?" Honda checked around the devastated schoolyard for casualties. Everyone seemed to be up and moving.

Yugi smiled and bounded back to his yami. "I'm okay. Anzu?"

She stood up, brushing debris from her skirt. "Just a couple scratches and a broken nail."

"Let's get that mirror and get out of here." Yami helped Sapphire over the mound of rock. "The teacher's are going to be looking for an explanation, and I don't even want to think how we're going to explain this."

Sapphire quickly scooped up the now peaceful mirror and shoved it in her purse. "Got it. Let's go."

Yami helped her back over the wall and herded them all towards the game shop. "Oh, aibou, by the way, I almost forgot to tell you." He slipped his arm around Yugi's waist. "Sapphire's going to come live with us."

"What!" Yugi jolted to a halt. Visions of Sapphire giving his vulnerable yami CPR flashing across his mind.

"Well, I was thinking…" Yami looked away thoughtfully. "That joke you played on me yesterday made me realize something." He tugged Yugi along, lost deep in his thoughts.

"Realize what?" Yugi narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the beautiful, blond girl.

"When I was pharaoh, one of the things I was required to do was produce an heir, quickly." He nodded to himself. "Good thing too. Considering how young I died." He looked fondly at his little light. "If I hadn't, you wouldn't be here." He looked away, thinking. "I hate to think what would have happened, little light, if I didn't have you."

Yugi felt a trace of nervousness slither down his back. "Well, don't worry Yami. I'm here and all's just great. Right?"

"Hmmm. What if I need to come back again. I have no heir." He nodded decisively to himself and turned to smile at Sapphire. "I've decided that you were right, aibou. I do need a child. So,we decided that we're going to get married."

Yugi stopped in his tracks, causing an equally stunned Honda to smash into him, even Anzu had problems stopping and careened into Honda's back. "Married?"

Yami nodded, looking over at him with a puzzled frown. "Yes, Sapphire wants to have children, she's used to handling Shadow Magic, and Ruby and I are old friends." He suddenly scooped Yugi into a hug. "Don't frown little light. I love you, and just think how fun it will be to have little ones in the house." He laughed lightly. "You had a great idea Yugi. When you had Sapphire pretend to be my pregnant wife, who knew that it would really happen." He turned, still smiling, to Sapphire, who smiled happily back. "Now, lets get home. I got the license this morning, so for my last day as a single man, I want that old, time-honored tradition of …" He laughed softly, yanking his light along the street. "…a bachelor party."

* * *

Next up: The bachelor party! Will Yugi survive the experience? What will Honda do, now that his hair is gone? What about the whole cliché of chibi yamis? For this and more…

**MistyStarlight:** Who said it was Yami who would be suffering? Ah, revenge is sweet. You'll have to wait for Anzu's bit. I haven't used up all the cliches yet!

**anonymous:** Glad to have brightened up your day. Just remember to breath. Yes! Breathing is important!

**rune: **I do try! I hope you continue to enjoy!

**BakaNeko-chan: **I really loved writting Ryou's performance. Yugi and Malik, for some reason, I could see playing stripper. But Ryou? I loved doing that! Thanks for the great review!


	6. When Grandap's Away

Disclaimer: Yugi-oh is the property of Kazuki Takahashi, who is a genius.

**Just Shoot Me**

Chapter 6: When Grandpa's Away…

* * *

"Yami?" Yugi peeked around the corner into the kitchen. His darkness, with his future wife standing attentively next to him, was rummaging through the cabinet.

"Yes, aibou?" Yami had his head stuck deep into the cabinet under the stove. Various sounds of glass clinking gently on glass came from within.

"Can I help?" Yugi looked suspiciously at the future…girl frie…wi… fiancé … thing, his gentle eyes narrowing as he noticed her gazing speculatively at HIS yami's ass. HIS yami! How dare she look at HIS yami's ass. His fingers twitched, reaching for a nearby salt shaker.

"No, no aibou," Yami wiggled backward, emerging from the cabinet with a cobweb stuck in his hair and a green glass wine bottle in his hand. He waved in merrily at Yugi as he stood up laughing softly. "Spin the Bottle!"

Yugi's hand dropped to rest innocently on the counter as he gave HIS yami a smile. _Who me? Want to beat your …wench…fiancé with a salt shaker? Never entered my mind. And you would know that, if you weren't so busy looking at …WHAT ARE YOU DOING!_ HIS yami was checking out …HER cleavage! He shifted a bit to edge closer to the knife drawer.

"Aibou?" Yami gazed adoringly at Sapphire's all together too attractive and scantily clad bosom.

_Why couldn't we have found a complete COW when coming up with our "Hey Yami! Here's your wife!" trick? Why did we have to get a…wench…actress with big boobs! Damn fan fics and the writers that write them!_

Sapphire plucked the bottle out of Yami's hand, and gave him a coy look, "Guess who I want to kiss?"

Yugi lunged forward, knocking Sapphire… _the wench_…back slightly away from his …_obviously, hormonally insane_… other. "Sounds…" Yugi desperately tried to find a word, any word that wouldn't sound like he was insulting his beloved dark's … _wench_…fiancé . A small thump at the door gave him an out. "…like everyone's here!"

Yami pecked a small kiss on Sapphire's cheek, and with regretful, parting look at her chest, shooed them both out of the kitchen. "Let's get greet our guests and get to the kissing part of the night."

Yugi gripped the bottle, staring at the back of Sapphire's head. "Don't you want to play…uh…pin the tai… ah, um… Truth or… Duel Monsters?"

Yami shook his head opening the door, "Aibou, it's a party. We should play party games. Dueling really isn't a party game."

Bakura and Ryou stood on the other side of the door. Ryou was blushing and looking down at the floor. Bakura had a leash wrapped snuggly around his hand, the end of which was attached to a sturdy leather collar that circled Ryou's neck. Ryou glanced up at Yugi and rolled exasperated eyes toward Bakura.

"Hello, glad to se…eerk." Ryou stated only to be cut off as Bakura yanked the leash.

"So, gonna marry the girl?" Bakura stomped in, tugging on the leash again to make Ryou follow him. "Why bother, easier to have a bit of fun and let them deal with any bonuses."

Yami glared at the other spirit. "And you've tried this already, have you?"

Bakura shrugged and dropped onto the couch, yanking Ryou down to sit next to him. "Let's just say, I'm covered for the next time we go through this shit." He looked over to Sapphire, who was snuggling next to Yami's side. "Still, she's got good hips, nice tits. How about brains?" He ruffled his hikari's hair fondly, "As my old man used to say, forget the face, fuck the brainy."

"Then how does that explain you?" Yami closed the door, smirking at the other.

"What the fuck are you saying?"

"Well, face it, you're a pretty boy. You are now. You were then. Even with the scar, most of Egypt wanted to grab you and fuck you silly." Yami snorted and leaned back against the door. "You actually thought my priests were slow when you came in dragging my father, didn't you? They were all distracted trying to figure out how to shut you up, get you alone, and tie you to a bed." He shook his head. "Good thing you escaped when you did, or I wouldn't have gotten anything done for months."

"And you can talk, Mr. I-had-thirty-wives-and-I-forgot-how-many-concubines? Don't think I can't remember why you didn't leave the palace much." Bakura leaned back, looking speculatively at Yami. "Having naked, nubile, young things tossed into your lap had to have been tough."

"About as tough as having to…"

"Oh! Look, isn't that Honda and Anzu with the drinks and food?" Yugi, sensing imminent spiritual havoc, yanked his yami away from the door and shoved him aside. If he also shoved him farther away from …_the wench_…Sapphire, who had been licking her lips and eyeing portions of HIS yami's more southerly anatomy, it was totally accidental.

Yami picked himself up from behind the couch, where he had landed, and looked out the window. "They're about two blocks away aibou, aren't you…"

"But we need to help them!" Yugi grabbed…_the wench_… Sapphire and yanked her through the door away from HIS yami. "Come on, let's help them carry those things."

As the door slammed behind them and one set of hurried and one set of reluctantly hurried footsteps could be heard descending down to the shop, Bakura turned to Yami. "I take it things are going well?"

Yami grinned like a hungry crocodile, and nodded to Ryou's leash. "Why put him on a leash when I can just yank his chain?"

Bakura laughed, "Oh, but the leash is so much fun." He tugged it lightly, "Isn't it hikari?"

Ryou's face broke new ground in being red. The chemically treated tomatoes in the market down the street were envious. Motorists on the street below paused wondering why there was a traffic signal in the Moto's apartment. A passing plane veered slightly off course.

Yami shrugged, "Maybe later. First, how is Marik's end coming?"

"All set," The white haired spirit fingered the leash thoughtfully. "Are you sure you want me to do this? Personally, I think Marik would make a much cuter…"

"He's the one that knows the spell." Yami checked out the window. "You're dad really did marry for looks, didn't he?"

"Better then marrying for politics." Bakura leaned back, pulling Ryou over to cuddle next to him.

Yami sighed, "Do you know how many homely, shrewish, idiotic, well connected women I had to bed?" He looked fondly out to where his little light staggered down the street carrying a tower of pizza boxes.

"Yami Yugi?" Ryou looked guiltily over to where the pharaoh stood starring out the window, lost in thought.

Yami looked questioningly over at him. "You've been quiet."

"I just wanted to apologize." Ryou glanced over to his own yami, "It was very, very wrong to play an April Fools joke on you and both Malik and I want to apologize."

Yami let a small grin tug at the corners of his mouth, "Malik too?

"

"Well, his yami isn't letting him out of the house. Something about though shalt not ignore your yami when stripping." Ryou looked guilty, running his finger along his collar.

"And what's YOUR commandment?" Bakura tugged at the leash.

"Thou shalt only strip for your yami… and leave the chairs alone." If Ryou's face got any redder, he'd probably have fainted from having no blood in the rest of his body.

"Very well, you are forgiven." Yami nodded towards the door as voices were heard from below. "But you're still going to do your part."

"Yami! Guess what!" Yugi came bounding into the room with a tottering pile of pizza boxes unsteadily balancing in his small arms. "Mokuba was at Pizza Heaven, so he's coming too."

Honda, Anzu and Sapphire followed him, carrying grocery bags, bottles of soda and a cake box.

"Look darling, they got us a cake." Sapphire put the cake box down on a end table, "Isn't that just the sweetest!" She reached over, grabbed Yugi, and kissed him. "I just know you arranged it, you sweet thing!"

Yugi struggled free from…_the wench's_…Sapphire's hold, gasping and franticly wondering if he just caught any …_wench-like_…diseases.

Honda shrugged, "Actually, it was Anzu."

Anzu, glaring at Sapphire, nodded, then smiled brightly at Yami. "I thought you should have one for your special day." She turned abruptly and hit Honda, "He wanted to get one with a naked girl inside it."

Honda scooped the pizza boxes out of Yugi's arms and headed for the kitchen, "Hey, it's traditional."

"Traditional." Anzu growled and, hefting the dink bottles followed after him. "I'll do the punch."

Yugi, still wiping his lips off and wondering how he could quickly run up stairs and disinfect his mouth, grumped over to the couch and slumped down next to Ryou. "Tell me again, why did we hire Sapphire?"

Ryou looked nervously at his yami, who seemed to be distracted by Sapphire's curvy bottom, that was presently being appreciated and lovingly …

"YAMI!" Yugi catapulted off the couch and decked HIS darkness, in the process, knocking his hand away from …_THE WENCH'S_… bottom.

Yami staggered back at the impact and fell across the coffee table. "Ow, aibou! What is it!"

"Aaah…well… I just remembered." Yugi looked frantically around for inspiration. His eyes fell on a picture of his grandfather. "Grandpa! We can't have a bachelor party here! What would Grandpa say!"

"I believe he said good luck." Yami gently pushed his hikari away and sat up, rubbing his shoulder where it had made sudden unexpected contact with an empty soda can that had been sitting on the table. "He left for a cruise this morning."

"A cruise?" Yugi looked suspiciously around at Sapphire. He was sure… _the wench_…she had something to do with this.

Yami stood up and walked over to the entertainment unit and pulled a brochure out. "Remember, this morning? He said he was going out of town a few days." He handed the brochure to Yugi.

It was a beautiful glossy brochure. On the cover was a picture of a old man and woman waving happily from the deck of a large ocean liner to a group of scantily clad teens. On the bottom of the page the company logo, a ostrich with it's head in the sand, was emblazoned in gold. In bright neon letters it read, "ARE YOU IN THE WAY OF YOUR TEEN'S SEX LIFE? Come to Grandpa's and Grandma's Get Away Cruise!" Hesitantly, Yugi flipped it open. A sweet faced girl smiled demurely out at him. Her soft, doe-like eyes smiled guilelessly out at him. She was dressed in a pretty flowered dress with her long brown hair tied back with a matching ribbon. "Always remember them as the sweet little angels they never were." He unfolded it a bit more and the girl had changed. Now, she looked like a hooker, with hard eyes, a cigarette hanging from her mouth and dressed up in artistically torn goth clothes. A guy dressed in a bizarre cross of gang banger and goth clothes had her pinned to a old brick wall and was groping her while nipping her neck. "You never need to really see what they're really up to. Come away with us! And let them screw their horny little brains out." He carefully, and a bit warily opened the last leaf. There was a picture of an old man and a old lady cuddled together in a hot tub, a bucket of champagne sat at the tub's edge and the older folk where apparently trying to suck each other's tongues out. "While you DO THE SAME THING HERE!" In small print, it said, "Unlimited, free Viagra for the first 100 lucky passengers aboard!"

"GRANDPA!" Yugi looked wildly around, "When did he leave? When do they set sail? We have to get him back!"

Yami stepped up and pulled his light into his arms. "Yugi, now don't be selfish. You're Grandpa deserves a little fun." He turned and grinned at Sapphire, "Besides, we wouldn't want to disillusion the old guy, now would we?"

She grinned lecherously back, "Absolutely not!"

Yugi felt a shiver of dread go down his spine as Yami stepped away and scooped up the forgotten bottle from the side table. "Well, lets' move right along to the festivities."

Bakura ambled to his feet, pulling Ryou up after him. "Spin the Bottle? Isn't that a bit tame?"

Yami, shoving the coffee table aside, snorted. "It's early thief. Leave the exciting stuff till later."

"No stamina pharaoh?" Bakura thumped to the floor. Ryou, being abruptly yanked downward, face planted next to him. "Problems hikari?"

Ryou sat up and glared at his darkness, yanked the leash out of his hands and whacked the spirit. "You can be replaced. I know a nice old lady who is trying to find a home for her cat, Booboo. I'm sure Booboo wouldn't yank me around on a leash."

"Booboo can't do this either." Bakura pounced on his light and started imitating the kids in the brochure.

Ryou writhed beneath him gasping, "Ohh, bad yami, bad yami. Ooooh, yes! Mmmmm. Baaad, bad yami."

"Tell me again, why do I hang out with you people?" Honda stood in the doorway holding a bowl of nachos.

Anzu stood next to him, blinking at the two white haired forms wiggling on the floor. "Did anyone think to bring a video camera?"

"Really, Anzu, what kind of party do you think this is?" Yami pointed next to the entertainment unit. "It's charging over there."

"Hey! And you were complaining about me and the cake!" Honda slammed the nachos down and stormed back into the kitchen. "Hypocrites the lot of you."

"You're just touchy because Ribbon went to the beach and you're cut off for an entire week." Anzu called back over her shoulder as she unplugged the camcorder.

Downstairs a gloomy voice called, "Anyone here?"

"Mokuba!" Yugi bolted out the door to greet the newest guest.

Taking advantage of his light's absence, Yami calmly walked up to where Bakura had Ryou pinned to the floor, checked to see if Honda was still in the kitchen, then kicked Bakura in a kidney. "Get to work thief."

"Grurrgk." Bakura rolled off his light. "Arhhhg, aack bbrrrggg."

Yami shrugged and walked away, "I'm not particularly impressed with your linage either."

"Fuckin' prima dona, pharaoh." Bakura groaned and tottered to his feet.

Anzu peered anxiously down the stairs. "Hurry up! I think they're coming."

"Mokuba said he'd keep Yugi distracted down in the shop for ten minutes." Ryou hurriedly got to his feet and scampered quickly over to the coat closet. "Did you put the clothes in here?" He reached into a pocket and pulled out a small contact lens case.

Sapphire nodded, throwing herself into a nearby chair and arranging herself into a provocative pose. "We took care of that earlier. Did you get the red contacts or the cat eye ones?"

"Red." Bakura grunted, opening the back patio door. He stepped out, looking across the alleyway to the roof of the building next door. "Marik's in place."

Yami nodded and settled next to Sapphire. "Good. Then we're set. Anzu, you know what to do?"

She looked nervously over at Yami, "If I do this, I'm off the hook? No sending Mai and me screaming to the Shadow Realm?"

"All forgiven," Yami set the bottle down on the floor.

Anzu nodded, "All right."

"Where's Duke? Shouldn't he be here by now?" Ryou settled onto the floor again. Bakura sat down next to him.

"He's coming. I saw him when I checked on Marik." Bakura pulled him closer and draped an arm around his waist.

Yugi stumbled into the living room looking lost. He blinked dazedly at his yami, who was cuddling…_the wench_… Sapphire and nuzzling her neck as she giggled. "Mokuba is feeling…ah.. a bit down."

Mokuba dragged himself in dramatically after him dressed in a black silk shirt; skin tight, black. leather pants; spike heeled, black, leather boots and enough eye liner to make a NFL line backer jealous. His normally young, cheerful face was set in an expression of profoundly bored ennui. "Hi," he sighed tragically.

"Hi Mokuba." Anzu smiled cheerfully. "Wanna play Spin the Bottle?"

He dropped bonelessly onto the couch. "No." Looked gloomily at his feet. "I just want to sit here and think about my pathetic life."

Yugi stood shifting nervously from foot to foot looking uncertainly at Mokuba. "It's not that bad Mokuba."

A long world weary sigh escaped Mokuba's black lipsticked mouth, "Life is pain." He looked dully around. "Did anyone bring any booze?"

Yugi's jaw made a valiant effort to meet the floor. "Mokuba, your only eleven, Kaiba would kill us if…"

Mokuba stood up and wandered toward the kitchen listlessly. "Don't worry. Big brother is stuck in a meeting. He won't be home for a week or two." He lethargically pushed open the kitchen door. "I'll get it myself."

The bell rang downstairs, signaling another visitor. Yugi, still staring at the kitchen door, jerked around. "Uhh… someone's down stairs." He looked hopefully at his Yami, who seemed preoccupied with the cleavage that was pressed against his side.

Honda bolted out of the kitchen, then pointed back to it with a quivering finger. "Guys, somethings up with Mokuba! He's sitting on the floor with a bottle of Grandpa's cooking sherry and talking about the pointlessness of existence."

Bakura snorted, "If I had to drink that shit, I'd be depressed too."

Ryou gave Honda a reassuring smile, "He's at a delicate age."

"Delicate?" Honda yelled. "You call acting like a depressed mortician delicate?"

"Anyone up there?" Duke called up the stairs.

Anzu walked over to the stairwell, nudging Yugi as she passed, urging him to sit down on the floor next to Ryou. "Come on up. We're just about to play Spin the Bottle."

Feet thumped their way up the stairs. "Cool."

"What about Mokuba?" Honda stepped back towards the kitchen.

Yami pulled his eyes off the creamy flesh under his nose and smiled benignly at the brunette. "Leave him alone. I'm sure Grandpa's sherry won't hurt him… much." He waved a hand to the space next to Bakura. "Sit down. We're just about to play."

"Bu…" Honda looked back and forth between the kitchen and Yami.

"Maybe if we are all having fun, Mokuba will come join us!" Anzu smiled perkily at him.

Honda nodded and sat down as Duke walked into the room. He nodded at Yami. "Congrats, man."

"Thanks Duke. Come, sit down and we can get started." He slithered off the chair onto the floor, pulling Sapphire onto his lap.

Duke dropped down next to Yugi, giving him a thoughtful look, "You look a bit…out of it."

"Mokuba's in the kitchen. He's drinking Grandpa's sherry and talking about life is pain." Yugi glanced worriedly at the kitchen door.

"Oh," Duke sat back, leaning against the sofa, "Puberty struck early."

"Huh?" Yugi stared at him.

Duke patted him on the head, "Don't worry. It'll catch up to you any day now."

Yugi swatted his hand away. "I'm not a kid!"

" 'Course not." Duke caught up a hand of nachos and stuffed them in his mouth.

"No brains." Honda stretched out on his side, smirking at Duke, "You can tell. His eyes are too close together."

Duke choked and spat the nachos out. "Are not!"

Honda snorted disbelievingly.

"Shut the fuck up. I want to get to the good part of this party, and we've gotta play this shitty game first." Bakura reached over and whacked Duke.

"With that excellent beginning, let's play!" Yami reached out and spun the bottle.

* * *

All reviews are loved and adored,

Flames are hated and ignored.


	7. Spin the Bottle

Disclaimer: Yugi-oh is the property of Kazuki Takahashi, who is a genius.

**Just Shoot Me**

**Chapter 7: Spin the Bottle**

* * *

Yugi stared hard at the bottle, concentrating. _Not on the wench, not the wench. Anyone but the wench. Come on bottle, work with me here._

As the green bottle whirled around, Bakura lazed back against the couch with Ryou sitting stiffly at his side. Honda snagged a few nachos and flicked a olive at Duke, who growled back accidentally kicked Honda in the kneecap when stretching his legs. Anzu leaned curiously forward, watching the slowing bottle and Yami with Sapphire glued to his side smiled lazily. The bottle slowed and…

"YES!" Yugi yelled and bounced forward to claim a kiss.

Yami smiled and disengaged himself from Sapphire's plush, willing body to meet his hikari half way. Despite Yugi's enthusiasm, Yami only bestowed a small, chaste kiss on his light's lips before settling back down into the warm, curves of his fiancé.

"That was brief." Bakura remarked, watching Yugi grumpily settle back into place.

"Are we scoring these? If so that was only a three." Anzu shook her head.

"I'd give it a two." Duke brushed another olive, that had mysteriously migrated onto his shirt, off.

"Four." Honda rubbed his knee cap and inspected the nachos for more olives. "Yugi had the whole enthusiasm thing going for him. Yami though brought it down with brief duration."

"One." Bakura snorted. "I've seen chimps kiss better then that.

"Five." Ryou drove his elbow into Bakura's ribs. "I know someone who kisses like a chimp."

Yugi sighed slightly in disappointment and spun the bottle. After a couple revolutions, and Bakura kissing Ryou breathless, the bottle stopped in front of Anzu.

Anzu smiled and leaned forward, "Okay, but no one tell Mai."

Yugi nodded and gave her a brotherly kiss on the cheek. "No worries."

"Zero." Bakura raspberrried them.

"Oh, that was sweet!" Ryou tipped his head. "I'd give it an eight."

Duke yawned. "Two. Spin the Bottle isn't about being sweet. I want some tongue action here."

Honda nibbled on a chip thoughtfully. "I'd say five. It had more sentiment then Yami's kiss, but lacked any true passion."

"I think I'll go with Ryou and give it a eight." Yami ran his finger down Sapphire's arm.

Anzu spun the bottle. It revolved four times then pointed to Ryou, who laughed happily and leaned forward.

Bakura growled possessively, yanking Ryou back by his collar. "Back off! Mine."

Ryou yanked the collar off. "Remember! Booboo. I will replace you!" He leaned forward and kissed Anzu.

"No tongue action yet, but we're improving." Duke swatted an incoming olive out of the air. "Four."

"You're hard to please." Honda set the bowl of nachos down. "But, in this case I agree. Four."

Yugi tapped his finger against his lips. "I think they get a six. It was a nice solid kiss, but not very interesting."

Ryou spun the bottle. Bakura growled as it started slowing. His eyes narrowing as the bottle wobbled to a stop in front of Duke.

"Any tongue action and it's the last thing that tongue will ever do." Bakura snarled, his eyes glowing dangerously.

Duke looked down at the bottle, semi-horrified. Sure Ryou was cute. Sure, Ryou was kissable. Sure, he wanted the game to get spicier. Sure… He looked at Bakura's face… he wanted to live, with his tongue for many, many, more, happy, taste filled years. He gallantly lifted Ryou's hand and kissed the other boy's knuckles.

"Minus points!" Honda glowered. "Does that even count? Where was the tongue action!"

"I'll give him a six, just for self preservation." Yami glanced up from his close examination of Sapphire's skin.

"Nah, zero." Anzu snorted. "No duration. No passion. No tongue action. This game isn't about self preservation."

Duke glared at the bottle and gave it a vicious spin. It revolved a minute than landed right on Sapphire. Yami glared, his eyes glowing red. "Not a good day for you, is it Duke?"

Duke gulped, "Aah, can I appoint a stand in?"

"No, that's not how the game is played." Honda gave Duke a friendly slap on the back, urging him closer to Sapphire. "Now's your chance. Go for it!"

"Remember, no more hand kissing." Anzu leaned back. Her usually happy eyes filled with amused cruelty. "We want tongue!"

Duke leaned forward wincing. Sapphire met him half way and grabbed him by the back of the head and pulled him into a deep, tongue filled kiss. Horrified, Duke stated shrieking, which was muffled by Sapphire's lips, and wildly trying to escape. Yami snarled, the Millennium Eye flickering to life on his forehead.

Duke finally broke free and scrambled behind the couch whimpering. "Don't kill me. I kept my tongue to myself. HONEST!"

Sapphire giggled and settled herself back into Yami's arms. "I'd say that was a nice seven."

"Eight." Honda leaned back.

"What's going on?" Mokuba dragged himself out of the kitchen, carrying a couple of pizza boxes and a bottle of orange soda. He dropped them onto the coffee table and slumped into an armchair.

"We're playing Spin the Bottle." Anzu patted the carpet next to her. "Come and play. It's fun."

"Fun is an illusion that quickly fades." Mokuba pulled himself wearily out of the chair and sagged to the floor next to her.

Sapphire twirled the bottle. It only revolved once and pointed at Bakura.

"Come here girl." He leered.

Sapphire leaned forward and was abruptly pinned to the floor. Bakura nearly devouring her mouth and running his hands along her body. She squealed and twisted free after a couple moments, retreating, panting to Yami's side.

"Ten!" Honda cheered.

"Ten." Yugi nodded his agreement, gleefully noting Sapphire's rumpled, shocked look.

"Nine." Anzu pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Bakura has perfect marks, but she lacked… gusto. Too timid."

"Is it safe to come out now?" Duke checked over the edge of the couch. Seeing Yami's narrowed, angry glare he ducked back down.

Bakura flicked his wrist, sending the bottle into a spin. It spun a few seconds then landed on Honda.

Honda shrugged and moved closer. Bakura caught his shoulder and leaned in. Their lips met and their tongues dueled a few moments, then they parted.

"Nine." Anzu nodded decisively. "Honda wasn't really into the kiss, but displayed good technique."

"Nine and a half." Mokuba propped his chin on his hand. "Good form, but no heart."

"Nine." Yugi snitched a piece of pizza, wondering absently where the olives went. _Didn't the pizza have olives when it arrived?_

Bakura leaned back on the couch and nuzzled Ryou's hair. "Can we get to the good part yet?"

Yami nodded, "As entertaining as it is to watch Duke cower behind the furniture, this is a bit tame."

"How about…" Yugi looked quickly around. "A movie?"

"How about playing Spin the Bottle, but you have to make out in the closet for ten minutes?" Anzu smiled evilly to where Duke was crawling back to his place next to Honda.

"Maybe a nice game of strip poker?" Duke arched his brows hopefully.

"Great thought Duke." Yugi bounced to his feet. "I'll get the cards."

"Maybe later aibou. I like Anzu's idea." Yami nuzzled a kiss on the side of Sapphire's neck.

"Seconded." Honda sharkily smiled at Duke.

"I'm in." Bakura smirked.

"Sounds…interesting." Ryou smiled happily from the circle of his yami's arms.

"I'm going back to the kitchen." Mokuba stood up and trudged mournfully away. "All this sex is depressing."

"All right, since I was last. I get to be first." Honda spun the bottle. It rotated a couple times and landed on Duke. He glared at the bottle, then stood up. "Okay, stud muffin, let's get this over with."

Duke, horrified because it would be his turn to spin next- _oh god, what if he got **her** or Ryou_- stumbled along behind him toward the closet. Honda gave him a quick shove in and closed the door behind them.

"Gotta give Honda points." Anzu grabbed a piece of pizza. "For a straight guy, he's being a good sport."

"Not a bad kisser either." Bakura poured himself a glass of soda. "Could use a bit more imagination, but he does have talent."

"Serenity's doing probably." Yugi looked toward the closet, where a few muffled thumps and a strangled yelp came from.

Ryou went into the kitchen an reemerged a moment later with bread sticks and dipping sauce. "Do you think he might be bi?"

Yami shook his head. "No. Doubt it. Watch him at school. Girls fascinate him. Guys are nothing more than buddies."

Ten minutes later, a disgusted Honda and a slightly rumpled Duke emerged from the closet.

"All talk, no action." Honda shook his head and plopped himself back in his place. "Spent the entire time whining about who he'd end up with next."

"Your turn Duke." Bakura shoved him into place and sat down on the couch with Ryou sitting on the floor leaning against his legs.

Duke, his hand shaking, spun the bottle and closed his eyes in dread.

"Well, isn't that interesting." Yami remarked casually.

"Yes, quite interesting." Honda nudged Duke.

"Great. Just great." Yugi said snippily and got to his feet. "Have fun. I'll get the cake."

Duke opened his eyes as Yugi brushed past him. The bottle pointed directly at Yami. Duke's already large eyes got even larger. His life flashed before his eyes. Hell opened up and waved a cheery hello. "Oh no."

Yami reached over and yanked Duke to his feet. "Come on Duke. No time like the present."

"Have fun you two." Bakura toasted them with his soda as the door slammed shut on Dukes horrified face. "Anyone got any rum?"

"In the kitchen, behind Mokuba." Honda got up and walked across to look out the window, smiling at the violent thumps, curses, whimpers and cries that came from the closet.

Sapphire ambled over to the pizza and selected a slice. "Where did all the olives go? I like olives."

"I shoved them in Duke's shoes." Honda nodded toward the entrance where all their shoes were lined up.

Sapphire arched her fine eyebrows. "I don't know why, but I like you people. You're all sick and twisted."

Anzu came up and patted her shoulder as she poured herself a drink. "If you like sick and twisted, you should get to know Bakura better. He's got thousands of years of practice."

A bit later Yami strolled out of the closet with a self satisfied look on his face. "I agree with your assessment, Honda. All talk, no action."

Duke, missing several pieces of clothing, his hair a rumpled mess, and looking a bit dazed, stumbled out a few seconds later. He blinked, uncomprehendingly at the others then wobbled over to the couch. "I need to sit… uh no… lay down"

"Fucked silly." Bakura dropped to the floor as Duke collapsed, sprawling across the whole sofa.

Yami shrugged. "You should give him a try later. You might want to bring a gag though. He babbles."

Everyone took their places again and Yami spun the bottle. Yugi nearly howled in protest as the bottle pointed to Sapphire.

"Oh!" She grinned as Yami helped her to her feet. "Lucky me!"

Yugi stood shivering in rage as they waltzed merrily into the closet and shut the door. He spun around and marched over to the couch, shoved Duke's feet out of the way and sat, glowering at the closed door.

"How about some cake?" Anzu opened the box and started slicing it up into pieces.

Ryou and Bakura nearly pounced on the soft white dessert, grabbing big pieces and scooting off to the other side of the room. Honda scooped up a slice and went back to his chair. Anzu took a plate for herself and brought three others over for Duke, Yami and Sapphire. Duke cracked his eyes open and nodded as she set the plate down next to him. She put the others on the floor where Yami and Sapphire sat.

"Do you want a piece Yugi?" She offered him her slice.

"No."

"It's vanilla with vanilla frosting." She waved the piece under his nose. "I thought it would be appropriate, considering the occasion."

"No."

"Vanilla all the way through, huh?" Honda took a huge bite.

"If the cake fits…" Anzu sat back in her place, giving Yugi a worried look.

The closet door literally exploded off it's hinges. A leather clad, red eyed, wild haired version of Sapphire sprang out and stood glaring around the room.

"Who the fuck thought up this shitty game?" She snarled. Her red eyes glowing as she scrutinized the assembled party goers.

Yami stepped out, eyeing the door. "Ruby. No killing doors. I thought we discussed this."

"I fuckin find myself squished in a closet with your hand up my shirt and you are whimpering about doors!" She swung around and made a grab for the pharaoh.

Yami lightly stepped back avoiding her hand. "You weren't protesting."

"Ass wipe." She threw something glittering at his head and stormed down the stairs. "I'm out of here, go fuck a pooch."

"I almost fucked a bitch." Yami dodged, a feral smile pulling his lips. "Not a great difference."

Ryou shrieked as the glittering object fell at his and Bakura's feet. "What's that!"

Bakura grabbed Ryou pulling him protectively close, trying to turn his body to shield his light. "Fuck!"

The Millennium Mirror clattered for a second then exploded into a shower of green light. Yami shoved Yugi down behind the couch. Duke frantically plastered himself to the floor. Anzu and Honda were next to him as they all started crawling toward the kitchen. Silence covered the small home, then Yami peered over the top of the couch.

"It looks clear."

Anzu, Honda and Duke poked their heads out from the kitchen.

"That was brief. It nearly wiped out the school yard last time." Honda opened the door and walked suspiciously back into the room.

"I'm not complaining." Anzu checked around before coming back into the living room.

"Guys, where's Ryou and Bakura?" Duke shuffled out unsteadily.

Yami frowned and after helping Yugi to his feet, went over to check where Ryou and Bakura had been standing. "Ooops."

"Ooops?" Yugi scampered over to look. "What do you mean…oh!"

"What?" The other three hustled over and crowded around.

Sitting on the floor were two toddlers with white hair and big soft eyes. One was wearing Ryou's shirt and sweater and sitting on his blue slacks. The other had on Bakura's leather tank top and was idly playing with Bakura's studded belt. They looked up in unison and grinned happily waving cake smeared fingers.

The one dressed in Ryou's shirt stuck his plump little fingers into his mouth. "R'oo hun'ry."

* * *

**Okay folks, how many fan fic clichés can you spot so far?**

**anonymous**: Sorry, Jou and Mai are a no show in this fic. Mai is hidding from Yami and Jou is occupied someplace else. I wanted the story to fit loosly into my Chrysalis story line, so Jou couldn't make it.

**trinn**: Your prayer has been answered :)


	8. Chibi Madness

Disclaimer: Yugi-oh is the property of Kazuki Takahashi, who is a genius.

**Just Shoot Me**

Chapter 7: Chibi Madness

* * *

"Do we have any baby food?" Honda peered over Yugi's shoulder at the mini tomb robber, who was clambering to his feet and swaying unsteadily.

"What, do you think I have baby stuff just tucked away for emergencies!" Yugi yelped and dodged as Ryou found his dropped plate of cake and squealed in joy, waving cake smeared fingers around.

"I wan'" Bakura tried grabbing the plate, but overbalanced and body slammed into his twin, sending the littler one face first into the cake.

Ryou shrieked and, picking up the plate, smashed it into Bakura's face. "Ba' 'ami!"

Yami jumped back as the now cake smeared thief dove across to the coffee table. "Here's a question, how do we change them back?"

Bakura grabbed Duke's plate and hurled it toward Ryou, smacking Honda in the but. "Naaa!" He dodged around the table, zeroing in on another plate, as Ryou, soft brown eyes narrowed into cunning, two year old, slits grabbed pizza out of the box that sat on the coffee table and flung it at his other.

The pizza smacked into Duke's face.

"Oh, man." Honda wiped cake off his pants, "anyone got a towel."

Anzu made a grab for Bakura, who ducked under the table and emerged from the other end. "Forget that! Grab them!"

Yugi ran after the little thief, only to slam to a halt as Bakura turned, the orange soda bottle in his tiny hands, shaking it vigorously. "Ah, a little hellll…"

Grinning manically, Bakura opened the cap and sprayed Yugi, as Ryou, finding the rest of the cake started grabbing handfuls and throwing them at his other.

Honda, dove under the coffee table as a wave of icing sailed across the room to be met with a spray of orange. Yugi, caught in the center of the attack, dodged to the side and dove under the table with Duke.

"Are you sure that hikari's are supposed to be good and nice and all that?" Duke wiggled farther under the table.

Ryou ducked down to look under the table, he tilted his head and regarded them with soft, doe brown eyes. "You li' cake?"

"Ahhh. No. I don't like cake." Yugi tried wiggling back as Ryou put the box of cake on the floor. Anzu, however, ducking behind the couch to avoid an oncoming barrage of nachos, was blocking his escape. "Anzu! Move! Hurry up and move! He's got cake!"

Ryou giggled and grabbed a huge handful of soft white cake. "Yugi, you try tis." The cake was smooshed into his face. "Yo' li' cake!" He smiled at Duke, "You li' cake?"

"Yes! I love it. Absolutely love it!" Duke squirmed backward finding himself trapped by both Yugi and Anzu.

Ryou clapped his small cake smeared hands together. " 'uke li' cake!" He picked up the rest of the box and smashed it into Duke's face. "You ha' cake!"

"Aibou." Yami called from the other side of the room as he headed down the stairs. "I need to go get Ruby before she does anything creative. I'm taking Honda. Can you handle this?"

"NO!" Yugi shouted as he finally escaped from the coffee table of doom. "You get your ass back in here Yami!"

The slamming of the shop door was his reply. Snarling about disloyal yamis and their hell parties he swung around to find Bakura standing on the couch next to him, grinning…evilly.

"I a 'ami, you be nice." He held another bottle of orange soda in his hands.

"Oh, shit."

"Yugi, grab Bakura. I've got Ryou!" Duke yelled, hauling a small wiggling form out from under the coffee table.

Yugi lunged forward, trying to catch the little thief, only to be met with a blinding wash of orange. "Come here you little…"

Bakura bounced out of range and dodged around the table, sending the pile of pizza boxes crashing to the ground. "No."

Bakura hissed and tried diving between the chairs, but was quickly caught and hoisted off the floor, as Yugi made a lunge for his tiny form.

"Ha, gotcha." Yugi gloated for three seconds before Bakura kicked back hard, catching him in the privates. "Ooof."

Bakura ran free again, only to be caught up by Anzu. "Okay, got him."

Yugi thumped down on the floor, holding his hands protectively over his male bits and hoping they weren't in pieces. Duke, still holding a squirming, giggling Ryou, collapsed down on the couch, grimacing as he squished into a pile of icing topped with jalapeños.

Anzu, holding the little crook against her hip like a sack of potatoes, looked around the room shaking her head. "Your grandpa is going to kill us."

Yugi moaned and rolled over, surveying the damage. A slice of pizza was still sticking to the window. Orange soda was puddled on the carpet. Nachos and cake were smeared across the coffee table, couch and entertainment unit. The entire room looked like it had been sprayed with white, orange and brown goo. "Can I come live at your place Anzu?"

"No."

"What are we going to do now?" Duke pulled Ryou onto his lap as he sat down on the now squishy couch.

The little hikari sniffled then started to cry. "I wan' a "bat"

"Huh?" Yugi wobbled to his feet.

"He's right. It's clean up time." Anzu shoved Bakura into Yugi's arms. "You take care of them. Duke and I will handle the clean up down here."

"Why do I get…" Yugi held the wickedly grinning yami away from him and his already abused anatomy.

Anzu pointed up to the ceiling. "Can you reach that?"

A soggy piece of orange colored pizza stuck oozily above him. He stepped back in time to avoid it, as it finally stopped clinging and smacked to the floor at his feet. "Okay, okay." He reached out and took Ryou, who was trying to kick Bakura, from Duke. "You do this. I'll get them cleaned up."

He lugged the two white haired, still squabbling tots up the stairs, shut himself in the bathroom with them and locked the door. He watched them suspiciously as he stood catching his breath.

Ryou sniffled, pointing at Bakura. "You a meanie."

"You a meanie." Bakura sniffled back.

Yugi turned the shower on, then reached down and pulled an orange soda soaked shirt off Ryou, "Enough, you two. Into the shower you go." He quickly got the rest of the clothes off the two and carefully bundled them into the shower.

"Wanna take bat'" Bakura scowled. "Don' li' sho'rs."

" 'ami like ba'ts." Ryou grabbed a bottle of shampoo and was busily smearing pink gel on himself.

"He's lucky I don't take him outside and just hose him down." Yugi muttered rubbing soap onto a scrub brush. He grabbed the little yami and started scrubbing, all the while muttering about yamis and their freaky parties.

" "ugi? Why you makin' ami cry?" Ryou, now covered in pink gel from head to foot, eyed Yugi warily as he held a now sobbing Bakura.

Yugi blinked, "I'm sorry Bakura. Did I hurt you? Are you okay?"

" "ugi a meanie." The little tomb robber wrapped his arms around his light and sobbed. "I don' like 'ugi."

Ryou scowled at Yugi. "You hur' my 'ami!" He threw the shampoo bottle, whacking Yugi up side the head with it. "You a meanie."

"I'm sorry Bakura. Really, I'm sorry." Yugi blinking a sudden flock of stars out of his eyes, crouched at the side of the tub, patting the little yami's head.

" "ugi won' let me take bat'." Bakura sobbed, clutching his light and sticking his tongue out at Yugi.

"Fine, you can take a bath, but you need to shower off first!" Yugi snagged the little yami and scrubbed more cake out of his hair.

Ryou, happy now that his yami was happy, gleefully poured more pink shampoo onto himself. "I a sta'be'y."

Yugi leaned over and caught the shower head, pulling it down to rinse of Bakura and the strawberry. All the shampoo immediately turned into foam, covering the little light. "Look, you're a strawberry with whipped cream."

Ryou giggled and yanked Yugi down into the tub. " 'ugi can be a sta'be'y too."

Yugi thrashed trying to pull himself out of the tub. "No thanks. I'm not in the mood to be a strawberry."

"I a fou'n." Bakura giggled.

Not understanding that sentence, Yugi turned to look, only to be sprayed in the face by the little, insanely grinning, tomb robber. "Aaack!" Yugi grabbed the showerhead and sprayed himself off. "Bad, bad yami. No being a fountain! That's not nice!"

"Bu' 'ugi, 'ami is a 'ami, he no' nice." Ryou blinked wide chocolate eyes at him.

Bakura laughed and finished peeing. "I a fou'n. I a fou'n."

Snarling, Yugi shook his finger. "That's it no bath!"

Both Ryou and Bakura instantly started crying, " 'ugi a meanie!"

Yugi sprayed them both down washing the last of the food fight off their tiny bodies. "That's right 'ugi a meanie. Yami and I decided to change rolls and I GET TO BE THE YAMI TODAY! HAHAHAHA!"

The two white haired tots cowered, whimpering, and looking at Yugi with identical large, teary eyes.

Twenty minutes later, Yugi dragged his charges down the stairs. They were now dressed in tee-shirts that covered them like tiny dresses, cinched in at the waist by a couple of his grandpa's neckties. "Is Yami back yet?"

Anzu, still scrubbing cake off the TV, shook her head. "I just hope that they get back here soon." Her eyes narrowed. "I have a few things to say to little miss yami girl."

Duke walked by, his hair was still plastered with cake and soda. "I just want to go home."

"R'oo still hun'ry." The tiny chibi blinked sad eyes at the three.

"NO! NO FOOD!" Duke shrieked, backing away.

Mokuba poked his head out the door, looking morosely around. "Man, you guys made a mess."

"Mokuba, could you be a sweetie and give us a hand?" Anzu smiled at the boy.

"Nah, no use putting effort into anything. Not worth it. It'll just get dirty again." He pulled his head back in and the door swished shut behind him.

Duke glared at the door. "I'd kill the kid, if I didn't think he'd enjoy it."

Anzu finished the TV and moved on to the stereo. "It's just a phase. Give him a decade or two and he'll be just fine."

Duke slumped over to the couch and started wiping it down. "I'll give him till next week. Then, if Kaiba hasn't killed him first, I'll do it."

There was a loud bang from downstairs, causing everyone to jump and the two little ones to scream.

"Monsters! Monsters are attacking! Aaaahhh!" They ran around slipping on the cake that still covered the floor.

Yugi moaned as he watched them get covered in cake, soda and nachos again. "It's someone else's turn to watch Bakura play fountain."

Honda scampered up the steps and looked around wildly. Half his hair was burned off, his clothes were shredded and he was covered in green glitter. "Hide me!"

There was another bang from downstairs.

"MONSTERS!"

"Hide me!" Honda dashed up towards the bedrooms, leaving a trail of glitter behind him.

Yami casually walked in the door with a cuddling, cooing Sapphire. He looked around at the two little ones who were now peeking out from behind the couch, the cake covered room and his food smeared friends. "I see you got everything under control."

Yugi snarled eyeing Sapphire. His cake encrusted hands curling into claws as he watched her wiggle herself closer to HIS YAMI.

"Yugi, will you hold this for a moment, please?" Anzu pressed something small and circular into his hand, then launched herself at Sapphire.

"YOU AND YOUR BLOODY YAMI ARE HISTORY!" Anzu yanked the girl off Yami by her long, blond hair. "It's bad enough that we had to watch you act like a slut, but trashing the party and leaving!" She smashed Sapphire face first into a pile of cake. "You're cleaning this whole room with your tongue!"

Yami blinked. "Anzu? Perhaps you should…"

"Shut the fuck up pharaoh! This is a girl thing." Anzu growled as she shoved Sapphire into a puddle of orange soda.

Sapphire lashed out with one foot and knocked Anzu down. She instantly dove forward tackling the brunet into a stack of nachos. "What's wrong bitch? Jealous? Can't get a man of your own?"

Anzu grabbed Sapphire's arm and threw her over her head. "What's wrong bitch? Can't get a man any other way?"

Bakura and Ryou scampered out from behind the couch, watching the two girls punch, kick and scratch each other.

"Yay! An'u!" Ryou cheered, jumping and waving happily.

"Go 'afir! Go!" Bakura cheered.

"My money's on Anzu." Duke leaned back against the wall as the two cake covered girls rolled on the floor snarling and growling.

Yami shrugged, "Where's Honda? I haven't seen him since Ruby shoved him into a clown down at the park."

Yugi looked at the Millennuim Mirror that sat calmly in the palm of his and then look over at Anzu as she kicked Sapphire in the stomach. The suddenly jerked awake with a smile. "Go Anzu! Go! Make Mai proud!" He grinned over at his yami. "She is my oldest friend and friends should stick together."

"Sure, aibou." He shoved the little tomb robber, who had been trying to sneak up and slim him with a handful of cake frosting, away.

"Clown?" Duke took a few steps back as Anzu tossed Sapphire across the room to roll at their feet.

"Yeah, there was a party of something in the park and Ruby shoved Honda into the middle of the magic show." He winced as Anzu face planted Sapphire into a slice of pizza. "I think she was trying to be nice and put out the fire."

"What fire?" Yugi hopped aside as Sapphire grabbed a handful of nachos and threw them into Anzu's face. "Get her Anzu!"

"She set his hair on fire with a lighter. Said he looked like a birthday candle." Yami yawned, then reached down and yanked Sapphire off Anzu. "Stop playing around and wash up. We've still got half the night and the party hasn't even begun."

Anzu blinked, then shrugged. "She gets to help with clean up in the morning."

Sapphire smiled happily, "Sure, wanna take a shower together?"

Yugi watched them bounce up the stairs giggling and hugging each other like old friends. "The party hasn't begun yet?"

"Yugi, it's only seven o'clock. We've got time for all sorts of fun." Yami gave him a quick hug. "There's still Truth or Dare! We haven't played charades or strip poker, or musical beds. The stripper hasn't even come!" Yami hummed happily to himself as he walked into the kitchen. "I'll order some more food." He turned around and smiled at Yugi. "Do you want more cake?"

Honda suddenly ran down the stairs screaming. "Oh God, I did not see that! I did not see that!" He bolted down the stairs and in a second the shop door slammed shut behind him.

Yugi looked over at Duke. Duke nodded. They took one step back then raced down the stairs after Honda. "WAIT UP, we're coming too!"

The next afternoon, after spending the night at Duke's sleeping in a old army surplus sleeping bag in his storeroom at his game shop, Yugi cautiously poked his head into the door. "Yami?"

The room was spotlessly clean. The carpet was a bit damp from being steam cleaned, as he silently slipped inside the room, carefully checking around to see if any stray party guests were still lurking around. He looked warily into the kitchen, but it to was sparkling clean and empty.

"Oh, Yami? Are you here?" He called very softly, tip toeing across the living room and up the stairs. He really didn't want to look in their room, the sight of Yami cuddling in bed with Sapphire was just too much for so early in the day… or his life for that matter. He snuck down the hall and into the laundry room to snag some clean clothes for himself. He fully intended to spend the rest of the day hiding from his Yami and the joyous wedding, Then tomorrow, if his grandpa came back, he was going to see about moving in with Duke. Duke had offered him a spare room and a job working at his store. He wasn't sure about the job, but with Yami planning on his new family life with Sapphire, he was positive he was going to need that room.

He scowled at the lack of clothes in the dryer and glanced over to his room. _I just won't look at the bed. I'll sneak in, grab some clothes and sneak right back out without looking at the two of them._ He crept down the hall and listened at the door. It didn't sound like they were…busy. He slowly opened the door, casting a careful glance around the room. No one was there. _Must have gone over to her place for the night._ He stepped in and grabbed his backpack from it's place by the desk. A note was sitting on the desk.

_YUGI_

Curious, he picked it up and opened it.

_Dear Aibou,_

_It isn't nice to play tricks on your yami. Hope you enjoyed the lesson. Happy Day-After April Fools Day._

_Yami_

Yugi stood there reading and rereading the letter. His eye twitched. "It was a prank!" He crushed the letter, both his eyes twitching. "A prank! Oh, you are so dead…"

"As they say, been there, done that." Yami was leaning against the door grinning like a hungry crocodile. "Now, come here little light." He prowled forward. "We still have a few things to discuss."

Three hikaris huddled together at a booth in Ice Cream Galore. They looked at the walls. They looked at the floor. They studied the menu intently, then ordered glasses of water.

Ryou finally cleared his throat hesitantly. The other two jumped and sat staring at him with wide shocked eyes. "Okay. Uhm. Let's begin…." He trailed off uncertainly, then straitened his shoulders and took a deep breath. "Today's topic was supposed to be 'Where Did It Go? Finding Lost Items in The Shadow Realm' but I thought we could instead have 'Kiss and Make Up, How To Keep From Taking Unpleasant Trips to Dark Places."

The other two hikaris nodded their heads enthusiastically. Then checked out the vicinity for lurking yamis. Seeing none they turned and smiled at Ryou.

"Good choice." Yugi whispered.

"Very good choice." Malik whispered too.

All three checked carefully around then bent closer together.

Yami, Bakura and Marik watched from a bench out on the street.

"You know." Marik sprawled, lazily trying to trip passersby. "We should form a group."

"We'd kill each other." Bakura idly flipped through a wallet that a nice man had donated to him on his walk here.

Yami idly flipped a stone at a passing vehicle, watching as the Shadow curse he had cast on it transferred to the car, causing it to swerve erratically in traffic. "Why would we want to form a group?"

Marik yawned, "The hikaris have a group."

"We'd have to have a no kill rule, or it would be over after the first meeting." Bakura tossed the picked over wallet into a nearby trashcan.

"What would we talk about?" Yami picked up another pebble.

"Stuff." Marik got to his feet. "Like the best way to know when your hikari is plotting against you."

Bakura scanned the people passing by, trying to find the next donor. "Maybe we could talk about how to keep hikaris from dressing you in sweaters."

"How about how to deal with their incessant cheerfulness." Yami stood up and tossed his pebble, causing a taxi to swerve wildly in the way of a police car. The resulting crunch of metal caused a smile to flicker lightly around his lips.

"This might work."

"Has possibilities."

"Meet you next week at the park."

"Sure."

"Fine."

"Whatever."

* * *

It's done! I'm really sorry this took so long. I sort of forgot it. I got so busy writing _Psyche_ that I completely forgot this one. But it's all done now! Thanks for being so patient!

**MistyStarlight:** Well, if you are going to start poking at a yami, then you should be prepared for payback. I think Yugi kinda forgot that. Duke, I know, he's such a sweetie, but so much fun to torment!

**Feebeefi:** Thanks! As you see I've gotten off my lazy authoress but and updated. I'm glad you liked my little fic.

**trinn:** I admitt, Marik and Malik wold make better chibis, but who would turn them back? Bakura? Hell no! Yami? Ha! As you see, the terrible two aren't in this fic all that much. I haven't come up with a good H.U.G.S. story for the two of them, but I'm working on it...


End file.
